Selfish motherfucking fuckers you people are. Well, some of you...
It's obvious, and I'm already sick of your bullshit, and of your fucking wicked ways of fucking things up for me.
Thank you, fuck you. You can just burn in the deepest hole of Hell for all I care.
"I am your friend, you know you can tell me everything. I'll be there if you ever need someone to talk to." Really bitch, really? When?! Fuck you, and your fucking lies and your fucking self and everything about you.
I hate you people, oh my God, I really do. I wish I could send you all to an island or something, then set fire and watch you burn.
I knew humans are filthy and retarded, therefore I call myself an animal. I'm not human like you all. I don't think with my ass, and I don't go around selling lies and I don't say shit just for the sake of it.
How the fuck and when have you become like this?!
Fucking fuck. And when I think I almost believed that there's something good in humanity, I've been proven there's not. All that exists is hate, rage, fury, anger and selfishness.
Die already? Thanks, much appreciated.
Call me a bitch, call me whatever the fuck floats your boats, I don't really give a flying shit, even though I could enjoy the view of a shit on you.
I wish I could puke acid on your faces. Maybe like that, the mask will fall and you'll look in the mirror and see the real you I already see.
Before you point the fucking finger or open your mouth, take a fucking look at yourself.
Heartless, yes I am. Fucked in the head, I am also this. But so what?
At least I'm honest. I don't lie, I don't fake and I'm not predending being something I am not.
Grow some balls already and do something with your goddamned life, but wait. You can't and you will never be able to, because there's nothing left of you anymore.
Cunts.
November 22, 2011
November 11, 2011
I should... or I should not.
Okay, so this is... weird enough for you guys? I mean... Everyone's being depressed. Like, it's a trend now to fake depression. I wonder, and my little brain does too, HOW AND WHY THE FUCK?! Does anyone of there wannabe depressed knows what's like? Does they know how the fuck it is to want to die, and because it's not possible, in most of the cases, self-harm until end up in coma?
No. You're all so fucking retarded twats. Like those girls, who're not bulimic, but they think they're fat, and they're bone-skinny. I'll tell you something. I'm anorexic and it fucking sucks. It's not something nice or pretty. I can't gain weight and it's a torture. Not being able to eat means loads of stuff. Means you're skin is dry, your hair is falling, your mood is fucking low. Lack of vitamins is not good, but what you know. Nothing, you don't know shit about this. You starve yourself, just for the love of doing it and trying to be something that you're not.
For crying out loud, STOP IT.
And stop saying you're bipolar, and that you suffer of maniac depression or schizophrenia. You know only what you've read on Internet about that. You don't know how it feels, and you don't know how the people having it suffer and hurt.
Stop being so immature, and just be who you are.
IT IS WRONG.
/rant over.
No. You're all so fucking retarded twats. Like those girls, who're not bulimic, but they think they're fat, and they're bone-skinny. I'll tell you something. I'm anorexic and it fucking sucks. It's not something nice or pretty. I can't gain weight and it's a torture. Not being able to eat means loads of stuff. Means you're skin is dry, your hair is falling, your mood is fucking low. Lack of vitamins is not good, but what you know. Nothing, you don't know shit about this. You starve yourself, just for the love of doing it and trying to be something that you're not.
For crying out loud, STOP IT.
And stop saying you're bipolar, and that you suffer of maniac depression or schizophrenia. You know only what you've read on Internet about that. You don't know how it feels, and you don't know how the people having it suffer and hurt.
Stop being so immature, and just be who you are.
IT IS WRONG.
/rant over.
November 1, 2011
I set fire to the rain...†
Is too early for wrinkles and tears. We grow old feeding up with thoughts every night. Too early to miss those whispers that were soothing your wounds, your soul.
Is just too early to have so much things going on, that you just start to cry and kneel when it's too heavy to bear it all alone; to fall into something deep, and have nowhere to run to, have those damned days when life's nothing to you. Is too early to have all those things taken from you, too early to think big... Early to end it. Early to feel alone. Early too say goodbye from those you love, in pain... Too early to have no words to speak. Early to have beautiful moments only when you remember them.
Too early to feel tired at such a young age...And wishing for so many years but never to get it, to be stressed while clenching your teeth because you need to shut up.
To ask yourself if everything is what it seems or your're just lying to yourself...?
Too early to lose faith because of the humility, to believe nothing and nobody, ain't it hard already? Because when no-one forgives you, there's God to.
Is too early to live without safety, what you can't buy, to put in the balance...?
Without any arrogance, forget about everything. Forget what they've said, you've got a goal.
Is too early to wake too early, to be always storm in your soul whatever weather... Everything around you to feel so hollow, because honestly.. I wish I'd feel this later.
It's my life, these are my nightmares. I'm trying to wake to get rid of them, to breathe gentle, to feel that time goes by for me...
You know... Sometimes there's just too many coming. One after another and we can't deal with them anymore. It seems that what's bad comes too early and too fast, and what's good lasts only for a short while...
Is just too early to have so much things going on, that you just start to cry and kneel when it's too heavy to bear it all alone; to fall into something deep, and have nowhere to run to, have those damned days when life's nothing to you. Is too early to have all those things taken from you, too early to think big... Early to end it. Early to feel alone. Early too say goodbye from those you love, in pain... Too early to have no words to speak. Early to have beautiful moments only when you remember them.
Too early to feel tired at such a young age...And wishing for so many years but never to get it, to be stressed while clenching your teeth because you need to shut up.
To ask yourself if everything is what it seems or your're just lying to yourself...?
Too early to lose faith because of the humility, to believe nothing and nobody, ain't it hard already? Because when no-one forgives you, there's God to.
Is too early to live without safety, what you can't buy, to put in the balance...?
Without any arrogance, forget about everything. Forget what they've said, you've got a goal.
Is too early to wake too early, to be always storm in your soul whatever weather... Everything around you to feel so hollow, because honestly.. I wish I'd feel this later.
It's my life, these are my nightmares. I'm trying to wake to get rid of them, to breathe gentle, to feel that time goes by for me...
You know... Sometimes there's just too many coming. One after another and we can't deal with them anymore. It seems that what's bad comes too early and too fast, and what's good lasts only for a short while...
October 31, 2011
Am timp?
Ce, cum, cand, unde, de ce?
Nu stiu, nu stiu, nu stiu, nu stiu, nu stiu.
Simple as that. E ciudat, dar devine o rutina. Same place, same time. Numai ca iarna a dat totul peste cap... Nu mai sunt nopti pierdute prin Tineretului, sau prin Romana... Nu mai sunt tantari... Nu mai sunt imbratisari. Si au disparut zambetele de pe fetele tuturor. Vara a trecut, si cu ea trecut si timpul, si toate chestiile obisnuite... S-au risipit clipele frumoase si sansele.
Acum, timpul trece greu, si trist. Si nimeni nu mai are chef.
In asteptarea Soarelui, vor fii multe alte heart breaks si multe alte sperante... Acum, vor fii numai what ifs`uri.
Dar.. zambeste.
Whatever.
Si asa, pentru ca imi place mie si pentru ca trebuie...
Nu stiu, nu stiu, nu stiu, nu stiu, nu stiu.
Simple as that. E ciudat, dar devine o rutina. Same place, same time. Numai ca iarna a dat totul peste cap... Nu mai sunt nopti pierdute prin Tineretului, sau prin Romana... Nu mai sunt tantari... Nu mai sunt imbratisari. Si au disparut zambetele de pe fetele tuturor. Vara a trecut, si cu ea trecut si timpul, si toate chestiile obisnuite... S-au risipit clipele frumoase si sansele.
Acum, timpul trece greu, si trist. Si nimeni nu mai are chef.
In asteptarea Soarelui, vor fii multe alte heart breaks si multe alte sperante... Acum, vor fii numai what ifs`uri.
Dar.. zambeste.
Whatever.
Si asa, pentru ca imi place mie si pentru ca trebuie...
~ baby you light up my world like nobody else ♥ .! ~
October 26, 2011
love in a hopeless place ♥ .
Okay, so... Sunt the only one who found love in a hopeless place. Strange, isn't it? It's not. Adica, nu e asa de ciudat (nu e vorba de song, nu va fi ever vorba doar de un simplu song, ci este vorba despre feelingu` asta cretin pe care ti`l poate da un simplu song...).
Vreau, si o sa tot vreau si nu ma las pana nu am ce vreau, ca la ce incapatanare am... un catar e nimic pe langa mine.
Si uite asa incep si`mi plang iar de mila, si intru in contradictoriu cu mine insumi. Well fuck it, because it hurts, and hurts like Hell, damn it.
Insa sunt obisnuita. But I`ll never settle for less. Or for something else. Mai bine spus, someone else. No. Niciodata.
Vreau, si o sa tot vreau si nu ma las pana nu am ce vreau, ca la ce incapatanare am... un catar e nimic pe langa mine.
Si uite asa incep si`mi plang iar de mila, si intru in contradictoriu cu mine insumi. Well fuck it, because it hurts, and hurts like Hell, damn it.
Insa sunt obisnuita. But I`ll never settle for less. Or for something else. Mai bine spus, someone else. No. Niciodata.
"And we're standing side by side, as your shadow crosses mine...
What it takes to come alive...?"
Is the feeling and the thought I get all the time. Dar, dupa cum spuneam, nu sunt ... capabila? to push it further. Nu stiu de ce. De lasa ce sunt, ca pana la urma, what the fuck can happen? I sit and wander like an idiot, dar nu fac nimic pentru a schimba acest lucru.
Poate ar trebui sa o las mai usor cu bautura, ca ma apuca melancolia. Desi, este anotimpul melancoliei si al... nu stiu.
Dar ce conteaza?
Chiar nu conteaza.
October 24, 2011
Sincer? Nici eu nu stiu.
Citeam anumite bloguri. Si citeam pentru a vedea ce cred si altii despre viata, si ce se intampla in viata lor... si am ramas uimita. Toata lumea sufera din dragoste. Mi s`a facut scarba instantaneu.
Okay, inteleg. Si eu turui despre nereusitele mele, si chestii... DAR. A vorbi in fiecare zi despre acelasi lucru mi se pare o mare banalitate. Mai si traiesti, in afara iubirii si a sentimentului acela coplesitor... Este foare mainstream acum sa suferi si sa plangi. Dar pentru ce? Sau mai bine zis, pentru cine?
Iubesti, foarte bine. Te doare, este un lucru foare normal.
They say good things in life doesn't come without pain and tears.
Dar nu tre`sa faci un obicei din a plange si a suferi, si din a nu trai in afara acelei chestii.
Take the change, go for broke. Live. Do it now, and do it loud.
Toate sunt si toate curg, ca un rau in viata, si daca ratezi momentul o sa`ti para rau mai tarziu.
Si eu iubesc, dar nu fac o prea mare prioritate treaba asta. Si eu am nevoie de cineva alaturi, si pot sa spun ca pe el il am alaturi chiar daca nu pot sa`l numesc al meu. Imi este prieten si stiu ca pot sa contez pe sprijinul lui.
Voi faceti mare tam-tam pentru nimic. Cine v`a spus voua ca in viata daca nu ai parte de iubire, n`ai parte de nimic? Si de ce credeti voi ca doar iubirea unui el/ea este tot? Sunt atatea persoane in jurul vostru care va iubesc si care va apreciaza, insa voi nu le observati, deoarece sunteti inchisi la minte si nu va pasa decat de ideea voastra fixa.
Have sit down with yourself, grab a pillow, watch a movie, get comfy.
Ganditi`va ca sunt atatea lucruri in viata pe care trebuie sa le descoperiti si de care tre` sa profitati. Nu va mai plangeti atata de mila.
Sunteti penibili. Sincer.
Okay, inteleg. Si eu turui despre nereusitele mele, si chestii... DAR. A vorbi in fiecare zi despre acelasi lucru mi se pare o mare banalitate. Mai si traiesti, in afara iubirii si a sentimentului acela coplesitor... Este foare mainstream acum sa suferi si sa plangi. Dar pentru ce? Sau mai bine zis, pentru cine?
Iubesti, foarte bine. Te doare, este un lucru foare normal.
They say good things in life doesn't come without pain and tears.
Dar nu tre`sa faci un obicei din a plange si a suferi, si din a nu trai in afara acelei chestii.
Take the change, go for broke. Live. Do it now, and do it loud.
Toate sunt si toate curg, ca un rau in viata, si daca ratezi momentul o sa`ti para rau mai tarziu.
Si eu iubesc, dar nu fac o prea mare prioritate treaba asta. Si eu am nevoie de cineva alaturi, si pot sa spun ca pe el il am alaturi chiar daca nu pot sa`l numesc al meu. Imi este prieten si stiu ca pot sa contez pe sprijinul lui.
Voi faceti mare tam-tam pentru nimic. Cine v`a spus voua ca in viata daca nu ai parte de iubire, n`ai parte de nimic? Si de ce credeti voi ca doar iubirea unui el/ea este tot? Sunt atatea persoane in jurul vostru care va iubesc si care va apreciaza, insa voi nu le observati, deoarece sunteti inchisi la minte si nu va pasa decat de ideea voastra fixa.
Have sit down with yourself, grab a pillow, watch a movie, get comfy.
Ganditi`va ca sunt atatea lucruri in viata pe care trebuie sa le descoperiti si de care tre` sa profitati. Nu va mai plangeti atata de mila.
Sunteti penibili. Sincer.
October 13, 2011
About those little things.
...chiar dacă o să sune ciudat, sunt fericită. nu foarte fericită, dar sunt. "enjoy the little things." , da.
nu am ce vreau, dar zâmbesc, pentru că pot, şi pentru că am motive.
am lângă mine, oameni care mă iubesc, persoane care ar da orice să îmi fie bine.
mami, nu ştiu dacă tu o să citeşti vreodată chestia asta, dar, oricum. te iubesc mult. şi mi`e dor de tine, şi mă gândesc că poate o să vină acea zi în care să te strâng în braţe şi să pot să îţi spun ce simt, cum mă simt, şi cum... îmi e fară tine. ştiu că nu am fost copilu` pe care l`ai vrut, şi îmi pare rău, dar aşa sunt eu... ştiu că nu te mândreşti cu mine şi că, din contră, ţi`e ruşine cu mine... asta e. eu te iubesc, şi am să te iubesc mereu.
tu, lepră mică. ina pe numele tău. ...ce să zic. eşti ceva ce nu pot să explic în cuvinte. eşti...jumătatea mea? :)) ce ciudat sună, nu? dar, de fiecare dată când vorbim, mă simt eu, şi pot să fiu exact cine sunt, şi stiu că tu eşti singura persoană care nu m`a criticat niciodată, şi mai ştiu că eşti acolo, indiferent de situaţie. te iubesc, enorm. am copilărit împreună, am trecut prin multe, poate prin prea puţine, dar, vreau ca de acum înainte să fim împreună. cum se poate, când se poate, cât se poate. i need you in my life, because you make me smile, and you always, somehow, listen to what i don't say.
...tata. e greu...dar, fără el, nu ştiu unde aş fi ajuns. îţi mulţumesc tati că m`ai ajutat, şi că mi`ai fost alături, şi că ai plâns de fiecare dată când am ţipat la tine. lacrimile tale înseamnă mult pentru mine, şi chiar dacă nu o să auzi asta vreodata din gura mea, eşti totul pentru mine. te iubesc. mult de tot.
şi voi, ceilalţi, sunteţi importanţi pentru mine, în felul vostru. mă bucur că v`am cunoscut, şi că am împarţit şi bune şi rele, şi că, indiferent de calea pe care o să o apuce fiecare, peste ani şi ani, o să ne aducem aminte cu drag de ceea ce am petrecut împreună...
am renăscut.
nu am ce vreau, dar zâmbesc, pentru că pot, şi pentru că am motive.
am lângă mine, oameni care mă iubesc, persoane care ar da orice să îmi fie bine.
mami, nu ştiu dacă tu o să citeşti vreodată chestia asta, dar, oricum. te iubesc mult. şi mi`e dor de tine, şi mă gândesc că poate o să vină acea zi în care să te strâng în braţe şi să pot să îţi spun ce simt, cum mă simt, şi cum... îmi e fară tine. ştiu că nu am fost copilu` pe care l`ai vrut, şi îmi pare rău, dar aşa sunt eu... ştiu că nu te mândreşti cu mine şi că, din contră, ţi`e ruşine cu mine... asta e. eu te iubesc, şi am să te iubesc mereu.
tu, lepră mică. ina pe numele tău. ...ce să zic. eşti ceva ce nu pot să explic în cuvinte. eşti...jumătatea mea? :)) ce ciudat sună, nu? dar, de fiecare dată când vorbim, mă simt eu, şi pot să fiu exact cine sunt, şi stiu că tu eşti singura persoană care nu m`a criticat niciodată, şi mai ştiu că eşti acolo, indiferent de situaţie. te iubesc, enorm. am copilărit împreună, am trecut prin multe, poate prin prea puţine, dar, vreau ca de acum înainte să fim împreună. cum se poate, când se poate, cât se poate. i need you in my life, because you make me smile, and you always, somehow, listen to what i don't say.
...tata. e greu...dar, fără el, nu ştiu unde aş fi ajuns. îţi mulţumesc tati că m`ai ajutat, şi că mi`ai fost alături, şi că ai plâns de fiecare dată când am ţipat la tine. lacrimile tale înseamnă mult pentru mine, şi chiar dacă nu o să auzi asta vreodata din gura mea, eşti totul pentru mine. te iubesc. mult de tot.
şi voi, ceilalţi, sunteţi importanţi pentru mine, în felul vostru. mă bucur că v`am cunoscut, şi că am împarţit şi bune şi rele, şi că, indiferent de calea pe care o să o apuce fiecare, peste ani şi ani, o să ne aducem aminte cu drag de ceea ce am petrecut împreună...
am renăscut.
September 27, 2011
o parte din mine, pe capitole
~11.09.2011
Si cand te gandesti ca a spune ceea ce simti poate fi mai greu decat orice pe lumea asta, tot nu-ti vine sa crezi... Si stai, si iar te gandesti. Pana cand? Imagineaza-ti ca brusc esti deja ramolit, si tot nu ti-ai spus "oful"... Cum ar fii? Sa te trezesti la o anumita varsta, plin de regrete, cu toata viata trecuta pe langa tine fara ca tu sa te fi bucurat de ea?... N-ar fi trist? Realizand in acel moment tot ce puteai sa faci, dar nu te-ai incumetat. Fara acel "Ei, si ce?" rostit pe buzele tale...
Daca ar fi dupa mine, eu as spune tot ce am facut si tot ce am trait pana acum, dar nu fac acest lucru pentru ca risc sa fiu criticata si sa aud morala, pe care nu o suport. Da, recunosc, am fost o adevarata adolescenta si am facut TOT ce face un adolescent. De la A la Z, fara regrete si fara sa imi pese de consecinte. Si acum, la fel procedez. Nu-mi pasa, sincer... de ce cred altii, sau de ce zic altii sau de ceea ce vor ei de la mine. In fond, eu imi traiesc viata dupa regulile mele si dupa mintea mea. Acum o sa ziceti ca, daca se intampla asa sau altfel, ce o sa fac? Pai, vad pe moment, nu? O sa imi treaca mie ceva prin cap la momentul respectiv, ca si pana acum.
Vreau intai sa le multumesc alor mei, ca nu m-au "ferecat" ca pe altii si ca nu mi-au impus regulile lor. Am fost, sunt si voi fii mereu recunoscatoare pentru treaba asta. Bine, poate ca am fost si in situatia de a nu ii avea langa mine, pe nici unul din ei cand am fost copil si poate ca am trait pe usile altora, dar asta m-a facut mai puternica si m-a facut o supravietuitoare. Am invatat ca viata nu e ceva premeditat. Viata doar se intampla, si nimeni nu va putea nici macar sa isi imagineze ce se poate intampla...- nu stii niciodata ce sare din joben - ...(fac aluzie la toti cei care se dau drept mari clarvazatori si prevestesc viitorul, la asa-zisele ghicitoare in cafele, cristale, globuri, oglinzi ale sufleului?, in palma, in carti de tarot si in mai stiu eu ce alte pipote de pui).
In fine, toate curg, ca si un rau, care nu stii cum isi schimba cursul sau ce vartejuri are.
Total in afara subiectului, mi-a trecut prin minte o chestie... cum am aparut noi. Oamenii. Pentru ca, sincer, desi cred in Dumnezeu, refuz sa dau crezare acelui capitol din Biblie, intitulat "Facerea"... mi se pare stupid. De ce? Pai, pentru ca Biblia pentru mine este ceva nefondat. De unde, si cine imi poate dovedi mie ca acelea chiar sunt predicile Domnului, si ca acele chestii sau intamplat? Cum unii imi spuneau mie ca faraonii si comorile lor au fost asa, de fatada... Pai, atunci piramidele si toate artefactele gasite prin orasele antice, ce sunt? Pentru mine sunt dovezi ca au existat. Chiar daca acele "comori" care au fost ingropate cu ei nu s-au mai gasit... Deci, sa revenim, vreau dovezi ca tot ce ne spune Biserica despre acest Dumnezeu pe care ei il venereaza asa mult, a fost adevarat. Ca imi aduc ei mie moastele sfantului nu stiu care, gasit nu stiu unde, nu-mi dovedeste nimic. Si sincer, Biserica si acesti preoti care se cred trimisii Lui, incalca MULTE din cele 10 Porunci. Folosesc drept exemplu icoanele. "Sa nu-ti faci chip cioplit sau vreo alta asemanare si sa nu te inchini ei." este una din cele porunci... Cum, daca toata lumea in ziua de azi pupa si face plecaciuni in fata unor picturi care, Sinte Ceruri, SEAMANA cu Iisus sau cu Fecioara Maria. Pe bune acum, nu inteleg, si nici nu am sa inteleg vreodata. Ii numesc satanisti si necredinciosi pe cei care se inchina lui Buddah sau lui Allah, ii considera mai stiu eu ce... SERIOS?!! Pai, voi va inchinati acestui Dumnezeu, care, voi l-ati creat... Singurul lucru SFANT CU ADEVARAT pentru mine, este Sfanta Cruce, desi, in unele momente, nu sunt sigura nici de cruce ca este ceva cu adevarat sfant...
E ceva cu dus-intors, care ma chinuie.
Daca exista un singur Dumnezeu, de ce religia se imparte in atatea ramuri? Gen... penticostali, ortodocsi, catolici etc, etc... M-as duce, pe cuvant, sa- intreb pe un preot... Numeste-ma ateu pentru ca nu cred, dar nu pot. Nu am in ce. "Sa ai intotdeauna credinta, Dumnezeu te ajuta.", da, okay, inteleg. Dar, Dumnezeu este peste tot, si nu trebuie sa me duc la o biserica sau la vreo manastire pentru a crede, sincer. Nu cred pana nu vad.
Am inceput a scrie, si cred ca am cam dat gres. In fine, nu-mi scriu memoriile si nici vreo carte (sper) ca sa am o introducere cum am invatat in scoala...
Este 11 Septembrie. Azi sunt exact 10 ani de la tragedia din America, mai exact din New York unde acel pakistanez, iranian, irakian sau ce era a distrus printr-un kamikaze (nepilotat de el, adica, toata lumea stie care a fost treaba cu zborul ala, sau nu...?) turnurile gemene... Pacat. Nu am apucat sa le vad. Asta e, a fost si este razboi, din cauza americanilor retardati care cred ca ei sunt cei mai destepti si ca lor li se cuvine tot. Haha, mi-ar place sa li se taie craca si lor, si sa revina cu picioarele pe pamant. Lol, au presedinte un negru, dar ei sunt rasisti majoritatea...
Ascult o melodie care ma unge pe suflet... Learn my lesson, care este cantata de Daughtry. Si, asa usor, in miez de noapte, aproape adormita, gandul ma poarta spre el. Da, ca intodeauna, trebuie sa imi amintesc de el. N-am ce face, il iubesc... De 2 ani, si azi imi dau seama ca, asa cum am inceput sa scriu, despre felul in care stai sa te gandesti ca nu spui anumte lucruri, te face sa ai regrete. Desi am zis ca nu am regrete, este adevarat in mare parte. Dar, poate am, unul, poate o sa il am ceva timp de acum inainte. Desi am facut un pas... mi-e frica sa il fac pe al doilea...
... sunt o lasa. Mi-e frica de refuz. Ca niciodata. De fapt, nu de refuz. Mi-e frica ca as putea risca o prietenie care pana acum, pot spune ca a fost frumoasa... Imi amintesc o intrebare, care mi-a fost pusa exact in prima zi cand l-am intalnit. "Ai tatuaj pe gat?", pe un ton curios...
Ar trebui sa ma consider jalnica, dar nu o fac. Mai bine ma duc sa inchei ziua ce tocmai a trecut, cu un somn bine meritat, desi nu am facut mare lucru. Vreau doar sa pun capul pe perna si sa inchid ochii, si sa fie totul exact cum vreau eu...
~12.09.2011
Inca 5 minute si este deja 13... Doua luni de la ziua mea... Wow. Ce repede trece timpu'...
A. Si ce crezi? E MARTI 13... Maine nu fac nimic. Absolut nimic. Stau. Dorm. Doamne, m-a apucat o stare de panica. Si numai din cauza ca maine e marti 13.
Mi-e dor de...
Ingerul meu? Da. Ca asa il consider pe el. Sunt nebuna. Si nu ma pot vindeca... Nu-mi pasa. Cand sunt in preajma lui, totul este perfect. Aerul pe care il respira, as vrea sa-l respir si eu, mereu... Daca acum inchid ochii il vad pe el.
Ciudat, cum de la o zi la alta sentimentele sunt mereu mai puternice si mai pline de dorinta...
Mai bine ma duc sa dorm... sau nu. Celine Dion si super-cunoscuta ei melodie, My heart will go on, tocmai imi rasuna in timpane... Si mi-au dat lacrmile si iar am sa plang, si iar am sa vreau sa ascult ce nu trebuie si iar am sa-mi fac rau singura... Ma intreb oare pana cand am sa ma mai trezesc cu urme de un amestec de rimel cu fard intins pe fata de la lacrimile pe care le plang ochii mei in fiecare seara...
"Dancing bears... Painted wings... Things I almost remember... And a song someone sings once upon a Decemeber... Someone holds me safe and warm..."
Imi aduc aminte de copilarie... Imi aduc aminte de...mama. Care nu prea a fost mai deloc acolo. Ii simt lipsa. Am un gol, pe care nimic si nimeni nu-l va umple vreodata. Stiu ce-a facut, si stiu ce face, si mi-e frica pentru ea... Asa cum e, e mama... si o iubesc... Oare ea stie...? Se gandeste la mine cum ma gandesc eu la ea? Nu cred. N-am insemmnat niciodata prea mult pentru ea. Stiu ca nici eu n-am fost vrun copil minune, si ca nici asa cum a vrut ea n-am fost, si nici n-am sa fiu. Dar totusi... As fi vrut sa fie ea linia mea de sosire la fiecare sfarsit de zi, si sa fie ea prima care imi zambeste dimineata, chiar daca n-ar fii motive... Sa fie mama. Si nu o straina...
Dar asta e. Ea are alta viata... Joaca in alt film. Un film in care eu apar doar ca figurant... Figurant cu replici. Plang pentru ea, desi stiu ca nu merita... dar doare.
Pe de alta parte... Cu tata mi-e bine. Desi... sunt multe chestii si aici... Il fac sa sufere. Pentru ca din cauza mamei inexistente care nu-mi da atentie, ma razbun pe el... Si nu pot sa nu o fac, am incercat... Tata e cel mai bun si cel mai nobil suflet de pe lume, si eu il fac sa planga... Il ignor si tip la el, si-mi bat joc de el.
Just make it stop... someone...
Si cand te gandesti ca a spune ceea ce simti poate fi mai greu decat orice pe lumea asta, tot nu-ti vine sa crezi... Si stai, si iar te gandesti. Pana cand? Imagineaza-ti ca brusc esti deja ramolit, si tot nu ti-ai spus "oful"... Cum ar fii? Sa te trezesti la o anumita varsta, plin de regrete, cu toata viata trecuta pe langa tine fara ca tu sa te fi bucurat de ea?... N-ar fi trist? Realizand in acel moment tot ce puteai sa faci, dar nu te-ai incumetat. Fara acel "Ei, si ce?" rostit pe buzele tale...
Daca ar fi dupa mine, eu as spune tot ce am facut si tot ce am trait pana acum, dar nu fac acest lucru pentru ca risc sa fiu criticata si sa aud morala, pe care nu o suport. Da, recunosc, am fost o adevarata adolescenta si am facut TOT ce face un adolescent. De la A la Z, fara regrete si fara sa imi pese de consecinte. Si acum, la fel procedez. Nu-mi pasa, sincer... de ce cred altii, sau de ce zic altii sau de ceea ce vor ei de la mine. In fond, eu imi traiesc viata dupa regulile mele si dupa mintea mea. Acum o sa ziceti ca, daca se intampla asa sau altfel, ce o sa fac? Pai, vad pe moment, nu? O sa imi treaca mie ceva prin cap la momentul respectiv, ca si pana acum.
Vreau intai sa le multumesc alor mei, ca nu m-au "ferecat" ca pe altii si ca nu mi-au impus regulile lor. Am fost, sunt si voi fii mereu recunoscatoare pentru treaba asta. Bine, poate ca am fost si in situatia de a nu ii avea langa mine, pe nici unul din ei cand am fost copil si poate ca am trait pe usile altora, dar asta m-a facut mai puternica si m-a facut o supravietuitoare. Am invatat ca viata nu e ceva premeditat. Viata doar se intampla, si nimeni nu va putea nici macar sa isi imagineze ce se poate intampla...- nu stii niciodata ce sare din joben - ...(fac aluzie la toti cei care se dau drept mari clarvazatori si prevestesc viitorul, la asa-zisele ghicitoare in cafele, cristale, globuri, oglinzi ale sufleului?, in palma, in carti de tarot si in mai stiu eu ce alte pipote de pui).
In fine, toate curg, ca si un rau, care nu stii cum isi schimba cursul sau ce vartejuri are.
Total in afara subiectului, mi-a trecut prin minte o chestie... cum am aparut noi. Oamenii. Pentru ca, sincer, desi cred in Dumnezeu, refuz sa dau crezare acelui capitol din Biblie, intitulat "Facerea"... mi se pare stupid. De ce? Pai, pentru ca Biblia pentru mine este ceva nefondat. De unde, si cine imi poate dovedi mie ca acelea chiar sunt predicile Domnului, si ca acele chestii sau intamplat? Cum unii imi spuneau mie ca faraonii si comorile lor au fost asa, de fatada... Pai, atunci piramidele si toate artefactele gasite prin orasele antice, ce sunt? Pentru mine sunt dovezi ca au existat. Chiar daca acele "comori" care au fost ingropate cu ei nu s-au mai gasit... Deci, sa revenim, vreau dovezi ca tot ce ne spune Biserica despre acest Dumnezeu pe care ei il venereaza asa mult, a fost adevarat. Ca imi aduc ei mie moastele sfantului nu stiu care, gasit nu stiu unde, nu-mi dovedeste nimic. Si sincer, Biserica si acesti preoti care se cred trimisii Lui, incalca MULTE din cele 10 Porunci. Folosesc drept exemplu icoanele. "Sa nu-ti faci chip cioplit sau vreo alta asemanare si sa nu te inchini ei." este una din cele porunci... Cum, daca toata lumea in ziua de azi pupa si face plecaciuni in fata unor picturi care, Sinte Ceruri, SEAMANA cu Iisus sau cu Fecioara Maria. Pe bune acum, nu inteleg, si nici nu am sa inteleg vreodata. Ii numesc satanisti si necredinciosi pe cei care se inchina lui Buddah sau lui Allah, ii considera mai stiu eu ce... SERIOS?!! Pai, voi va inchinati acestui Dumnezeu, care, voi l-ati creat... Singurul lucru SFANT CU ADEVARAT pentru mine, este Sfanta Cruce, desi, in unele momente, nu sunt sigura nici de cruce ca este ceva cu adevarat sfant...
E ceva cu dus-intors, care ma chinuie.
Daca exista un singur Dumnezeu, de ce religia se imparte in atatea ramuri? Gen... penticostali, ortodocsi, catolici etc, etc... M-as duce, pe cuvant, sa- intreb pe un preot... Numeste-ma ateu pentru ca nu cred, dar nu pot. Nu am in ce. "Sa ai intotdeauna credinta, Dumnezeu te ajuta.", da, okay, inteleg. Dar, Dumnezeu este peste tot, si nu trebuie sa me duc la o biserica sau la vreo manastire pentru a crede, sincer. Nu cred pana nu vad.
Am inceput a scrie, si cred ca am cam dat gres. In fine, nu-mi scriu memoriile si nici vreo carte (sper) ca sa am o introducere cum am invatat in scoala...
Este 11 Septembrie. Azi sunt exact 10 ani de la tragedia din America, mai exact din New York unde acel pakistanez, iranian, irakian sau ce era a distrus printr-un kamikaze (nepilotat de el, adica, toata lumea stie care a fost treaba cu zborul ala, sau nu...?) turnurile gemene... Pacat. Nu am apucat sa le vad. Asta e, a fost si este razboi, din cauza americanilor retardati care cred ca ei sunt cei mai destepti si ca lor li se cuvine tot. Haha, mi-ar place sa li se taie craca si lor, si sa revina cu picioarele pe pamant. Lol, au presedinte un negru, dar ei sunt rasisti majoritatea...
Ascult o melodie care ma unge pe suflet... Learn my lesson, care este cantata de Daughtry. Si, asa usor, in miez de noapte, aproape adormita, gandul ma poarta spre el. Da, ca intodeauna, trebuie sa imi amintesc de el. N-am ce face, il iubesc... De 2 ani, si azi imi dau seama ca, asa cum am inceput sa scriu, despre felul in care stai sa te gandesti ca nu spui anumte lucruri, te face sa ai regrete. Desi am zis ca nu am regrete, este adevarat in mare parte. Dar, poate am, unul, poate o sa il am ceva timp de acum inainte. Desi am facut un pas... mi-e frica sa il fac pe al doilea...
... sunt o lasa. Mi-e frica de refuz. Ca niciodata. De fapt, nu de refuz. Mi-e frica ca as putea risca o prietenie care pana acum, pot spune ca a fost frumoasa... Imi amintesc o intrebare, care mi-a fost pusa exact in prima zi cand l-am intalnit. "Ai tatuaj pe gat?", pe un ton curios...
Ar trebui sa ma consider jalnica, dar nu o fac. Mai bine ma duc sa inchei ziua ce tocmai a trecut, cu un somn bine meritat, desi nu am facut mare lucru. Vreau doar sa pun capul pe perna si sa inchid ochii, si sa fie totul exact cum vreau eu...
~12.09.2011
Inca 5 minute si este deja 13... Doua luni de la ziua mea... Wow. Ce repede trece timpu'...
A. Si ce crezi? E MARTI 13... Maine nu fac nimic. Absolut nimic. Stau. Dorm. Doamne, m-a apucat o stare de panica. Si numai din cauza ca maine e marti 13.
Mi-e dor de...
Ingerul meu? Da. Ca asa il consider pe el. Sunt nebuna. Si nu ma pot vindeca... Nu-mi pasa. Cand sunt in preajma lui, totul este perfect. Aerul pe care il respira, as vrea sa-l respir si eu, mereu... Daca acum inchid ochii il vad pe el.
Ciudat, cum de la o zi la alta sentimentele sunt mereu mai puternice si mai pline de dorinta...
Mai bine ma duc sa dorm... sau nu. Celine Dion si super-cunoscuta ei melodie, My heart will go on, tocmai imi rasuna in timpane... Si mi-au dat lacrmile si iar am sa plang, si iar am sa vreau sa ascult ce nu trebuie si iar am sa-mi fac rau singura... Ma intreb oare pana cand am sa ma mai trezesc cu urme de un amestec de rimel cu fard intins pe fata de la lacrimile pe care le plang ochii mei in fiecare seara...
"Dancing bears... Painted wings... Things I almost remember... And a song someone sings once upon a Decemeber... Someone holds me safe and warm..."
Imi aduc aminte de copilarie... Imi aduc aminte de...mama. Care nu prea a fost mai deloc acolo. Ii simt lipsa. Am un gol, pe care nimic si nimeni nu-l va umple vreodata. Stiu ce-a facut, si stiu ce face, si mi-e frica pentru ea... Asa cum e, e mama... si o iubesc... Oare ea stie...? Se gandeste la mine cum ma gandesc eu la ea? Nu cred. N-am insemmnat niciodata prea mult pentru ea. Stiu ca nici eu n-am fost vrun copil minune, si ca nici asa cum a vrut ea n-am fost, si nici n-am sa fiu. Dar totusi... As fi vrut sa fie ea linia mea de sosire la fiecare sfarsit de zi, si sa fie ea prima care imi zambeste dimineata, chiar daca n-ar fii motive... Sa fie mama. Si nu o straina...
Dar asta e. Ea are alta viata... Joaca in alt film. Un film in care eu apar doar ca figurant... Figurant cu replici. Plang pentru ea, desi stiu ca nu merita... dar doare.
Pe de alta parte... Cu tata mi-e bine. Desi... sunt multe chestii si aici... Il fac sa sufere. Pentru ca din cauza mamei inexistente care nu-mi da atentie, ma razbun pe el... Si nu pot sa nu o fac, am incercat... Tata e cel mai bun si cel mai nobil suflet de pe lume, si eu il fac sa planga... Il ignor si tip la el, si-mi bat joc de el.
Just make it stop... someone...
Something...
There are so many things words can't tell. There are so many feelings actions or even words can't express. There are so many ways to show love, yet so few that truly reveal something.
We're humans. We're not born already taught about life and about all that comes with it. We live to learn. We make mistakes, we take consequences, we make commitments we cannot keep. It's in our nature. But, it's all a circle.
In fact, nothing of what I'm saying here doesn't make any sense, but one thing I know. This one will be long. And I may write my whole life here. But, as I said, we say things we forget later. I can promise to myself that I will write this but, the truth is I can't know If I will. Something can happen, or I can just get mad or simple, I will not want to.
Right now, I am day dreaming. I imagine I am somewhere far away from here, with Him, the only one I ever truly loved, and still love. Isn't it weird? That few years ago, I could have swore that I felt real love. But I didn't. It was lust most of it all, most of them all were just passing by in my life. And how does it sound like, me saying that for about 2 years, I lost my mind to some dude I met one day, randomly? Maybe it was the destiny. Maybe it wasn't meant to turn this way. But it did. He stole my heart, and especially my mind. Every where I look around, is Him. I can't see someone else. And if I do, is for seconds, because right after, He comes to my mind.
I tried. I swear I did, I do. But, he's still there. Like a...tattoo? If this is a clichee, I really don't care.
I don't think I want this anymore. I hate being alone. But I refuse being with someone I can't have feelings for, because that someone may love me, and hurts to not be loved in return. I know it so well.
I know I deserve better after all, but my tear drops will keep fall for Him. Because... I love Him, simple as that. Many told me that it's just an obsession that will go away soon as I get to have Him. They said I will stop having feelings for Him, if we get together, because I've waited for so long, and when He and I will be together, there won't be feelings. If you know what I mean... Thing that ain't true. I wonder, do those who told me know what love is? Because from the way they act or talk, shows me that they've never felt this, or at least a bit of how true love is...
Do they understand how's like knowing you can lose it all with just a heartbeat? Or do they know how painful and burning are the tears every night and day, falling without any sign that they'll stop? Will they ever know...? No. Or maybe they will. But until then, it all falls apart for me, it all goes to Hell every day, being alone and hoping for something that feels like more than impossible.
It's like a battlefield. You fight, but you never win. And if you do, is never the war. Just battles, that means really nothing if you sit and think about it. But you go on, even if you hurt. You can't stop loving, you can't live without love. You need love. Your heart asks for love, even if you don't get it, you need to offer it. But when it's pushed away, you hurt again, and still, you don't stop. You go on and on, and you don't care where this will get you.
I will never stop fighting for Him. I will do even the impossible to try and get Him, because He's the only reason I'm still alive. I don't listen to what people say, or how much they try to push me away from my feelings. They don't know what's like being in love like I am, they don't know how it feels when your worlds revolves around that one special human being. It's love, not a stupid obsession. Obsession don't last long, obsessions don't hurt, don't make you cry and wish to be dead just because you can't have what you wish for.
I die for having Him, and sooner or later, I will. I know I will. As long as I don't stop, there's still hope.
That fake hope you get can break you so hard... But you stand up again, face the reality and move on, not caring what will happen from that moment, and crashed, like a runaway train that derailed, you hold tears back and hope again. And you ask why so much hope for something that's dead and burried?
But then again, something's screaming deep inside you to not lose faith and believe in your dream, even if when you look in the mirror you see just the ghost of you.
Frustration? Yes, of course. Much of it, because you don't know where you went and go wrong. How strong a feeling can get and how much control can have on you? You sit and wonder, and you wake and believe some visions from when you're sleeping and you think it's true, but then... you see it's not over. And you try and do it right this time, even if a part of you is dead inside.
You have too many lifes, that's what you come to believe. But it's not that. It's just not over, it's just something standing on the ground, the love that's killing you, it's your heart being stepped on, and you pick it up, take it and break it again.
You should've learn your lesson by now. But you're trying to reach for a sweet dream, and you taste the emptiness before the darkness wakes you. You swear you give up the longing, you say you'll figure all out, but then the fire starts again, making you wonder how, and why. Will you ever learn something? Will you ever give this up? Will this ghost of a love that won't happen stop haunting you down? There are so many questions you could ask, but you're afraid of empty answers. Or of the silence.
You are all alone, spitting smoke on the road behind you, going but without knowing where, you just want to forget all the laughter and all the happy moments that now are hurting you. But at the same time, those are the only things left to you, those moments you were alive. Now, you're left so hollow, without any reason, that's what you think. You want that back, you want things to be like they were before.
So, you take all the pieces of you from the frozen floor and put them together, and when you're done setting yourself up, you notice something is missing... It's your heart, that you can never put back together, because He's got most of the missing parts you need, and you're incomplete. And you fall back, and you wish He was there, making you complete, once and for all.
The memories remain. Reflecting what it could have been. It all seems so clear.
Finding what is real, the days are so long, reaching for something that's already so long gone.
It was worth it in the end? Or you've lost yourself for nothing? What's this all about? Why you're crying, knowing it's your mistake that you keep making again and again? Can you see beyond the scars? Change the colors of the sky? For all things that never died, making it through the night. What about now? What about today? What if it's lost behind, all the words you've never found?
Before is too late, start a new day, because the sun still breaks through your eyes, and love will find you. Make yourself what you're made to be. Now that you're here, you've come this far... Just hold on. There's nothing to fear, He's inside you forever, making you holding on and reach for a chance and for a shot at love. He's taught you what love is, and how to love and He showed you the world through your eyes, but from others.
Don't be afraid to dream again. Go for broke.
What I meant to say is that you've hold on while He's let go. You're strong enough to say that you're perfect little world is burning down, but that you can walk through it.
What I really meant to say is that you're not the only one that makes mistakes. You're not sorry for all the hurt you've been through, because you've loved, and you still love, but you've end up thinking it's time to let it all go, you're ready to throw the ashes in the sea; time to forget all the stupid things you've said and done, and find something new to go after. You can smile and you do it, you feel the warm wind blowing through your hair, making you feel so new and fresh. You finally laugh and enjoy life at it's highs.
And then again...
I keep questioning myself... With love is bad without love is worse...
How the Hell then...? I honestly don't get it. I think I never will. But, maybe this is how it goes, you know? Eye for an eye. It sounds true.
We're humans. We're not born already taught about life and about all that comes with it. We live to learn. We make mistakes, we take consequences, we make commitments we cannot keep. It's in our nature. But, it's all a circle.
In fact, nothing of what I'm saying here doesn't make any sense, but one thing I know. This one will be long. And I may write my whole life here. But, as I said, we say things we forget later. I can promise to myself that I will write this but, the truth is I can't know If I will. Something can happen, or I can just get mad or simple, I will not want to.
Right now, I am day dreaming. I imagine I am somewhere far away from here, with Him, the only one I ever truly loved, and still love. Isn't it weird? That few years ago, I could have swore that I felt real love. But I didn't. It was lust most of it all, most of them all were just passing by in my life. And how does it sound like, me saying that for about 2 years, I lost my mind to some dude I met one day, randomly? Maybe it was the destiny. Maybe it wasn't meant to turn this way. But it did. He stole my heart, and especially my mind. Every where I look around, is Him. I can't see someone else. And if I do, is for seconds, because right after, He comes to my mind.
I tried. I swear I did, I do. But, he's still there. Like a...tattoo? If this is a clichee, I really don't care.
I don't think I want this anymore. I hate being alone. But I refuse being with someone I can't have feelings for, because that someone may love me, and hurts to not be loved in return. I know it so well.
I know I deserve better after all, but my tear drops will keep fall for Him. Because... I love Him, simple as that. Many told me that it's just an obsession that will go away soon as I get to have Him. They said I will stop having feelings for Him, if we get together, because I've waited for so long, and when He and I will be together, there won't be feelings. If you know what I mean... Thing that ain't true. I wonder, do those who told me know what love is? Because from the way they act or talk, shows me that they've never felt this, or at least a bit of how true love is...
Do they understand how's like knowing you can lose it all with just a heartbeat? Or do they know how painful and burning are the tears every night and day, falling without any sign that they'll stop? Will they ever know...? No. Or maybe they will. But until then, it all falls apart for me, it all goes to Hell every day, being alone and hoping for something that feels like more than impossible.
It's like a battlefield. You fight, but you never win. And if you do, is never the war. Just battles, that means really nothing if you sit and think about it. But you go on, even if you hurt. You can't stop loving, you can't live without love. You need love. Your heart asks for love, even if you don't get it, you need to offer it. But when it's pushed away, you hurt again, and still, you don't stop. You go on and on, and you don't care where this will get you.
I will never stop fighting for Him. I will do even the impossible to try and get Him, because He's the only reason I'm still alive. I don't listen to what people say, or how much they try to push me away from my feelings. They don't know what's like being in love like I am, they don't know how it feels when your worlds revolves around that one special human being. It's love, not a stupid obsession. Obsession don't last long, obsessions don't hurt, don't make you cry and wish to be dead just because you can't have what you wish for.
I die for having Him, and sooner or later, I will. I know I will. As long as I don't stop, there's still hope.
That fake hope you get can break you so hard... But you stand up again, face the reality and move on, not caring what will happen from that moment, and crashed, like a runaway train that derailed, you hold tears back and hope again. And you ask why so much hope for something that's dead and burried?
But then again, something's screaming deep inside you to not lose faith and believe in your dream, even if when you look in the mirror you see just the ghost of you.
Frustration? Yes, of course. Much of it, because you don't know where you went and go wrong. How strong a feeling can get and how much control can have on you? You sit and wonder, and you wake and believe some visions from when you're sleeping and you think it's true, but then... you see it's not over. And you try and do it right this time, even if a part of you is dead inside.
You have too many lifes, that's what you come to believe. But it's not that. It's just not over, it's just something standing on the ground, the love that's killing you, it's your heart being stepped on, and you pick it up, take it and break it again.
You should've learn your lesson by now. But you're trying to reach for a sweet dream, and you taste the emptiness before the darkness wakes you. You swear you give up the longing, you say you'll figure all out, but then the fire starts again, making you wonder how, and why. Will you ever learn something? Will you ever give this up? Will this ghost of a love that won't happen stop haunting you down? There are so many questions you could ask, but you're afraid of empty answers. Or of the silence.
You are all alone, spitting smoke on the road behind you, going but without knowing where, you just want to forget all the laughter and all the happy moments that now are hurting you. But at the same time, those are the only things left to you, those moments you were alive. Now, you're left so hollow, without any reason, that's what you think. You want that back, you want things to be like they were before.
So, you take all the pieces of you from the frozen floor and put them together, and when you're done setting yourself up, you notice something is missing... It's your heart, that you can never put back together, because He's got most of the missing parts you need, and you're incomplete. And you fall back, and you wish He was there, making you complete, once and for all.
The memories remain. Reflecting what it could have been. It all seems so clear.
Finding what is real, the days are so long, reaching for something that's already so long gone.
It was worth it in the end? Or you've lost yourself for nothing? What's this all about? Why you're crying, knowing it's your mistake that you keep making again and again? Can you see beyond the scars? Change the colors of the sky? For all things that never died, making it through the night. What about now? What about today? What if it's lost behind, all the words you've never found?
Before is too late, start a new day, because the sun still breaks through your eyes, and love will find you. Make yourself what you're made to be. Now that you're here, you've come this far... Just hold on. There's nothing to fear, He's inside you forever, making you holding on and reach for a chance and for a shot at love. He's taught you what love is, and how to love and He showed you the world through your eyes, but from others.
Don't be afraid to dream again. Go for broke.
What I meant to say is that you've hold on while He's let go. You're strong enough to say that you're perfect little world is burning down, but that you can walk through it.
What I really meant to say is that you're not the only one that makes mistakes. You're not sorry for all the hurt you've been through, because you've loved, and you still love, but you've end up thinking it's time to let it all go, you're ready to throw the ashes in the sea; time to forget all the stupid things you've said and done, and find something new to go after. You can smile and you do it, you feel the warm wind blowing through your hair, making you feel so new and fresh. You finally laugh and enjoy life at it's highs.
And then again...
I keep questioning myself... With love is bad without love is worse...
How the Hell then...? I honestly don't get it. I think I never will. But, maybe this is how it goes, you know? Eye for an eye. It sounds true.
August 9, 2011
scattered pieces of who I am.
...It's because of the song, mostly.
Si uite asa, ascultand Pieces, ma apuca si pe mine iar o stare din asta, de imi vine sa ma iau de par si sa sar pe geam...
Chiar nu imi trebuia asa ceva, nu acum, nu in halul asta...
Nu de el.
Nu. Refuz.
Nu vreau sa cred, vreau sa uit, cumva...
Dar cum, daca atunci cand il vad pur si simplu, ma simt vie?
Da, bine, exagerez, sunt in love si etc.; nu.
Frate, deja nu mai e un crush. Sunt 2 ani, de cand tot simt o chestie ca se aprinde inauntrul meu, de fiecare data cand il vad pe L. Numai ca de data asta e mai altfel. Mai puternic.
Il vreau, si nu-l vreau.
Il...iubesc?
Nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc, nu, nu si nu.
Nu se poate... Sau se poate?
August 2, 2011
Confessions.
but what can you say about me being with someone, but actually love somebody else and you want nobody but him, both knowing, never talk about it, and after you decide to talk, texting about it, meet next day, and act like nothing happened.
i've lost it. completely.
just stressed and confused in other words. and sad and angry.
i'll snap, i don't want it, it'll turn into ugly sentimental shit. par example: Love to see you cry ~ E. Iglesias .
i hate love. and i hate that damn boy. i think we all hate love at some point or another.
what exactly happened? ._. something kinda... Thinking of you.
i liked a boy for a long time and i thought i was over him and i kinda found someone and last night when i was out i met with the boy i liked at the beginning and ._. i've fail. i am angry at myself because i cannot forget that one dude.
i liked a boy for a long time and i thought i was over him and i kinda found someone and last night when i was out i met with the boy i liked at the beginning and ._. i've fail. i am angry at myself because i cannot forget that one dude.
it's hgkgjdhfhshgglk. confusing. painful. stupid. silly.
any idea what i'm going to do?
i don't. i can't think at anything because every time is him. always coming back to him. just a single stare, gaze. everything revolves. he's brainwashed me i think.
it's not good. it's been years now. it was better to be just a crush. but what the fuck crush is this that i always depend on him?
and i don't know. i just don't. we never hang out too much. 2 or 3 times a month. but it was a time when i was going out just with him and our common friends and yes, i told him last night. we've talk through texts. and at one all became obvious and i told him and all turned awkward today like we were throwing glares but none of us wanted to talk about it and we just laughed and ignore it. but i was dying beside him to tell him but i didn't. i'm a loser.
do you know how awkward i feel??? do you know who my mind works?? you ever saw nano-bots??? how fast they are??? just like that.
this is exactly what i feel, and what i want..
partially... but. i blackout and words won't come out face to face, it's weird and strange because i want it but the same time i have it, i don't want it, and it's all a come and go and because it's not actually a childish game anymore, we're both big enough and this is kinds scary ._. this is a drama show.
make a change. i won't. i barely told him i like him more than friends.
i hate it. i hate not knowing what to do. i never lose control over things or feelings but now i did.
i'm confused, scared, i don't what the fuck is happening to me. what the fuck just hit me and why.
"You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside. My heart is in pain, but I'm smiling for you. Please don't ask me why, just kiss me this time.. My only dream is about you and I."
this is exactly what i feel, and what i want..
partially... but. i blackout and words won't come out face to face, it's weird and strange because i want it but the same time i have it, i don't want it, and it's all a come and go and because it's not actually a childish game anymore, we're both big enough and this is kinds scary ._. this is a drama show.
make a change. i won't. i barely told him i like him more than friends.
i hate it. i hate not knowing what to do. i never lose control over things or feelings but now i did.
i'm confused, scared, i don't what the fuck is happening to me. what the fuck just hit me and why.
August 1, 2011
Crazy.
Deci.
S-au intamplat atatea. Si nu stiu cu ce sa incep.
First... Am recunoscut.
I-am zis lui L. ce simt, si de cand si cum si ce. Acum... mi-e aiurea. Nu stiu de ce. Aseara am ramas la bro, si am vorbit o gramada de chestii. Mi-e aiurea, mi-e frica de un refuz, pentru ca stiu ca o sa fiu ceva de genu`... broken hearted girl.
Insa ma simt like .__________________. pentru ca... se intampla de un an si ceva.
Si, intr-un final mi-am luat inima in dinti si i-am spus. Nu stiu ce m-a apucat aseara, dar ma enervasem. :|
Imi place mult, tin la el ENORM, nu stiu de ce, sau cum.
Doar simt.
Ce patetica sunt, OMG.
Pana la urma... Asta e frate, nu se intampla, nu se intampla, eu cel putin m-am descarcat si acum stie si el.
Phew. Dar, oare, se va strica prietenia care o avem? Eu sper sa nu.
In fine. Nu mai zic nimic. :-<
Nici nu mai am ce.
I'm into you.
S-au intamplat atatea. Si nu stiu cu ce sa incep.
First... Am recunoscut.
I-am zis lui L. ce simt, si de cand si cum si ce. Acum... mi-e aiurea. Nu stiu de ce. Aseara am ramas la bro, si am vorbit o gramada de chestii. Mi-e aiurea, mi-e frica de un refuz, pentru ca stiu ca o sa fiu ceva de genu`... broken hearted girl.
Insa ma simt like .__________________. pentru ca... se intampla de un an si ceva.
Si, intr-un final mi-am luat inima in dinti si i-am spus. Nu stiu ce m-a apucat aseara, dar ma enervasem. :|
Imi place mult, tin la el ENORM, nu stiu de ce, sau cum.
Doar simt.
Ce patetica sunt, OMG.
Pana la urma... Asta e frate, nu se intampla, nu se intampla, eu cel putin m-am descarcat si acum stie si el.
Phew. Dar, oare, se va strica prietenia care o avem? Eu sper sa nu.
In fine. Nu mai zic nimic. :-<
Nici nu mai am ce.
I'm into you.
July 28, 2011
Inimă nebună. ❤
mi-e tare dor
amar e dorul de tine
dorul tau, inima mi-a otravit
nu pot uita ce-ai insemnat pentru mine
cum sa uit cat de mult te-am mai iubit
te port mereu in gandul meu
te port numai pe tine
as vrea sa impart iubirea mea
s-o impart numai cu tine
si daca-ar fi cu-adevarat sa cred intr-o minune
as vrea sa fii aici
in brate as te am
sa fii cu mine
inima nebuna plina de iubire
inima si patos dor si nebunie
inima ce bate numai pentru tine
pentru tine
noapte si zi
imi fuge gandul la tine
cat as vrea, lacrima s-o pot opri
ai fost mereu o parte rupta din mine
si mi-e dor, mi-e atat de dor sa vii
te port mereu in gandul meu
te port numai pe tine
as vrea sa impart iubirea mea
s-o impart numai cu tine
si daca-ar fi cu-adevarat sa cred intr-o minune
as vrea sa fii aici
in brate as te am
sa fii cu mine
inima nebuna plina de iubire
inima si patos dor si nebunie
inima ce bate numai pentru tine
pentru tine
.........................
.........................
Nu stiu, adica nu mai inteleg. De ce totul trebuie sa fie asa complicat? Am ajuns la o varsta, si inca nu pot sa ma las de copilarit... Desi ar trebui, pentru ca simt nevoia de o schimbare. Simt nevoia sa am pe cineva langa mine... Acea persoana care sa fie langa mine, si la bune si la rele. Dar parca nu se mai intampla.
Nu e genul meu... Nu imi plac relatiile... Dar ar fi frumos sa se intample, odata si odata...
Inima nebuna.
Pai... Mai pe scurt... Nu dau nume, insa, exista acea persoana cu care m-as vedea... Da, el. Cel mai bun prieten al meu. Nu stiu cum, cand si de ce, insa... Sincer chiar nu stiu, si nu vreau sa aberez.
Simt. Atat stiu.
Dar, mai este o parte care ma 'confuzeaza'.
L.
Intodeauna a fost un fel de piedica, sa zicem...
Cine stie...
Mi-e dor... Sa fiu cu cineva, dar in acelasi timp urasc acest sentiment.
Why the fuck life doesn't come with a fucking warning?!
July 26, 2011
Asa ca...
Asa ca da, mi-e lene de orice. Crezi sau nu, nu am niciun chef. Sa fac nimic.
Tre' sa ma duc la piscina. P**a. Sunt pe stop. Bagameash...
Tre' sa ies cu varameah... La fel.
URASC zilele astea.
Vineri trea' sa plec la mare, dar am anulat, ca nah. :|
Ma mai apuca si melancolia, asa ca... e bine. Mdeah.
De ceva vreme, m-a apucat iar nebunia...
......
L. Da. Bine. Ce dragutz.
Nu imi place chestia asta ._.
Stau si scriu pe blog, pentru can nu am ce face? Nu.
Scriu pe blog pentru ca sunt niste chestii, pe care daca le discut cu cineva, risc sa mi se faca morala, sa mi se zica ca sunt o copila. Desi nu cred ca Ina ar face asa ceva, insa nu stiu. Mi-e aiurea...
Ma rog, sunt o multime de lucruri pe care am sa le scriu, incetu` cu incetu`...
Acum tre' sa ma duc la baie.
Tre' sa ma duc la piscina. P**a. Sunt pe stop. Bagameash...
Tre' sa ies cu varameah... La fel.
URASC zilele astea.
Vineri trea' sa plec la mare, dar am anulat, ca nah. :|
Ma mai apuca si melancolia, asa ca... e bine. Mdeah.
De ceva vreme, m-a apucat iar nebunia...
......
L. Da. Bine. Ce dragutz.
Nu imi place chestia asta ._.
Stau si scriu pe blog, pentru can nu am ce face? Nu.
Scriu pe blog pentru ca sunt niste chestii, pe care daca le discut cu cineva, risc sa mi se faca morala, sa mi se zica ca sunt o copila. Desi nu cred ca Ina ar face asa ceva, insa nu stiu. Mi-e aiurea...
Ma rog, sunt o multime de lucruri pe care am sa le scriu, incetu` cu incetu`...
Acum tre' sa ma duc la baie.
July 22, 2011
Mind Blowing Shit.
Si. Incep sa scriu aceste randuri..................
I'M DOING IT WRONG, parca imi scriu testamentu`. Mdeah....
Si cum spuneam. Pai... Fake odata, fake pana la moarte.
Nu stiu, nu am nici cea mai mica idee.
In fine, eu vreau sa vorbesc aici, de cum mi-a mers mie de marti? pana azi.
Marti, 19 Iulie 2011.
---> am iesit cu Bro. si cu Leo. DEAD END, daca vrei sa ma crezi. Mort. Caput. Planeta, diferita, realitatea... 3D. Lol.
Mad shit.
Bine inteles, am dat pe spate, Holy Fucking Jesus Christ.
Miercuri, 20 Iulie 2011
---> somn de voie. - recuperare.
Joi, 21 Iulie 2011
---> pai... ermmm... am fost prin Dragoane, nu am gasit nimic. Cu Ina, of course.
Dupa, ne-am dus doua cretine, la ora 9 dimineata in Unirii, nu era nici dracu, mai era si inchis... Am fost pe la magazinutele alea de pe stanga cum te duci spre Universitate, mi-am luat o rochita, lunga, pana in pamant.
Nu stiu cand sau unde o s-o port, dar in fine, sper ca o sa ajung la mare, pe la sfarsitul lui August.
Dupa, am fost in New Yorker, mi-am luat bluuuugi de la Fishbone <3 [ce arfista sunt, lol, shoot me now please, hurry], dupa am intrat in Unirea.
Ne-am invartit, ca doua ametite, n-am gasit nimic interesant, si oricum, toate erau EXTREM de scumpe, frate, cum sa dai 150 Ron pe un tricou de panza?!?!?!?!
Next stop: McDonalds.
-aici ne-am oprit si de dimineata, cand era tot inchis, si am mancat un senvish d-ala in lipie, lol-
Ne-am luat meniu. Am mancat.
Aici urmeaza o parte funny...
Pana sa ne apucam, de mancat, se uita Ina la paharu` de cola, si face cica, pe un ton EXTREM de agresiv, de parca MARE NENOROCIRE ce se intamplase, "DE CE MI-AU PUS LIPTON?!" ....
Am ras, cu lacrimi, nu mai aveam aer... OMG, tot Mecu` se uita la noi...
Pe urma, am plecat home.
Dupa, eu am ajuns la mine aici in zona, si mi-am mai luat o pereche de blugi, albi aproape, cum am vrut. Sunt happy, da, ca un copil de primeste bomboane. Haha.
Ea s-a dus si si-a luat o rochita.
Si, in concluzie, totul e ok. Imi place asa, si asa sper sa ramana.
Maine facem un Kultur, si vine si Snipar! Yeeey!
Off I go. Bai.
I'M DOING IT WRONG, parca imi scriu testamentu`. Mdeah....
Si cum spuneam. Pai... Fake odata, fake pana la moarte.
Nu stiu, nu am nici cea mai mica idee.
In fine, eu vreau sa vorbesc aici, de cum mi-a mers mie de marti? pana azi.
Marti, 19 Iulie 2011.
---> am iesit cu Bro. si cu Leo. DEAD END, daca vrei sa ma crezi. Mort. Caput. Planeta, diferita, realitatea... 3D. Lol.
Mad shit.
Bine inteles, am dat pe spate, Holy Fucking Jesus Christ.
Miercuri, 20 Iulie 2011
---> somn de voie. - recuperare.
Joi, 21 Iulie 2011
---> pai... ermmm... am fost prin Dragoane, nu am gasit nimic. Cu Ina, of course.
Dupa, ne-am dus doua cretine, la ora 9 dimineata in Unirii, nu era nici dracu, mai era si inchis... Am fost pe la magazinutele alea de pe stanga cum te duci spre Universitate, mi-am luat o rochita, lunga, pana in pamant.
Nu stiu cand sau unde o s-o port, dar in fine, sper ca o sa ajung la mare, pe la sfarsitul lui August.
Dupa, am fost in New Yorker, mi-am luat bluuuugi de la Fishbone <3 [ce arfista sunt, lol, shoot me now please, hurry], dupa am intrat in Unirea.
Ne-am invartit, ca doua ametite, n-am gasit nimic interesant, si oricum, toate erau EXTREM de scumpe, frate, cum sa dai 150 Ron pe un tricou de panza?!?!?!?!
Next stop: McDonalds.
-aici ne-am oprit si de dimineata, cand era tot inchis, si am mancat un senvish d-ala in lipie, lol-
Ne-am luat meniu. Am mancat.
Aici urmeaza o parte funny...
Pana sa ne apucam, de mancat, se uita Ina la paharu` de cola, si face cica, pe un ton EXTREM de agresiv, de parca MARE NENOROCIRE ce se intamplase, "DE CE MI-AU PUS LIPTON?!" ....
Am ras, cu lacrimi, nu mai aveam aer... OMG, tot Mecu` se uita la noi...
Pe urma, am plecat home.
Dupa, eu am ajuns la mine aici in zona, si mi-am mai luat o pereche de blugi, albi aproape, cum am vrut. Sunt happy, da, ca un copil de primeste bomboane. Haha.
Ea s-a dus si si-a luat o rochita.
Si, in concluzie, totul e ok. Imi place asa, si asa sper sa ramana.
Maine facem un Kultur, si vine si Snipar! Yeeey!
Off I go. Bai.
July 17, 2011
"Inspiratie."
Nu stiu. Nu intreba ce-i cu titlu` ala.
4.07 - Alive. ---> Ciudata zi/noapte. Intamplari.
Whatsoeverso.
Ascult Space bound. WOW.
Daca aduce amintiri...da. Aduce.
In fine, eu si Pinguin am descoperit o chestie. S-ar putea ca Miss si Mister aia doi, sa nici nu existe.
[Doamne, ce greu scriu cu unghille astea de 2 metri.]
Si cum spuneam, au aparut niste poze, dar. Dar, B a vazut ca nu sunt la fel. Mi-a aratat Kody aseara si azi dimineata. Ciudat e ca, are dreptate. Ma intreb eu acum oare, de ce bai frate, de ce nu poate sa fie odata si odata cineva real? :|
Adica, nah... De ce sa minti ca esti cineva cine nu esti.
[Am avut un deja-vu.]
Pana la urma, esti mult mai acceptat ca cine est tu de-adevaratelea, decat ca cineva care pretinzi ca esti... Parerea mea.
In fine.
Mie imi merge binisor. Se putea si mai bine, dar acum e okay.
Maine ma duc la HP 7 pt. 2.
Nu mai am rabdare.
Asta numai daca ma suna, si imi da banii aia. Let's hope so!!!
A. O sa ies si cu XCS la acelasi film, miercuri. :D
S-ar putea, daca isi deschide magazinu` ala, sa ma si angajez.
Hmm...
O sa vedem.
Vreau poze noi. :|
Tre` sa-mi duc telefonu` la reparat, sa ii zic lu` tata.
M-am indragostit de Eminem - RANDOM! dar asa e.
E bun rawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
E cald. Plictiseala.
La sfarsitu` saptamanii ma duc si pe la Deeu`.
.............. Arthur.
REALLY.
Where my mind gone. Lol.
Da, imi e dor de el. Si de Andrei. Si de Hige.
:(
Ce de emotii buey...
Mi-e dor de liceu.
Mi-e dor de smokareala din spate.
De leagane si de sticlele de vin.
Si de ce faceam prin liceu.
De Muf-Muf.
Oh.
Si de Tampeanu`...
Si de Streinu, care, stiam de mult, dar a acceptat ca e gay <3 In sfarsit, copilasu` asta ma uimeste, il ador. :D
Heh... Amintirile ma chinuiesc.
4.07 - Alive. ---> Ciudata zi/noapte. Intamplari.
Whatsoeverso.
Ascult Space bound. WOW.
Daca aduce amintiri...da. Aduce.
In fine, eu si Pinguin am descoperit o chestie. S-ar putea ca Miss si Mister aia doi, sa nici nu existe.
[Doamne, ce greu scriu cu unghille astea de 2 metri.]
Si cum spuneam, au aparut niste poze, dar. Dar, B a vazut ca nu sunt la fel. Mi-a aratat Kody aseara si azi dimineata. Ciudat e ca, are dreptate. Ma intreb eu acum oare, de ce bai frate, de ce nu poate sa fie odata si odata cineva real? :|
Adica, nah... De ce sa minti ca esti cineva cine nu esti.
[Am avut un deja-vu.]
Pana la urma, esti mult mai acceptat ca cine est tu de-adevaratelea, decat ca cineva care pretinzi ca esti... Parerea mea.
In fine.
Mie imi merge binisor. Se putea si mai bine, dar acum e okay.
Maine ma duc la HP 7 pt. 2.
Nu mai am rabdare.
Asta numai daca ma suna, si imi da banii aia. Let's hope so!!!
A. O sa ies si cu XCS la acelasi film, miercuri. :D
S-ar putea, daca isi deschide magazinu` ala, sa ma si angajez.
Hmm...
O sa vedem.
Vreau poze noi. :|
Tre` sa-mi duc telefonu` la reparat, sa ii zic lu` tata.
M-am indragostit de Eminem - RANDOM! dar asa e.
E bun rawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
E cald. Plictiseala.
La sfarsitu` saptamanii ma duc si pe la Deeu`.
.............. Arthur.
REALLY.
Where my mind gone. Lol.
Da, imi e dor de el. Si de Andrei. Si de Hige.
:(
Ce de emotii buey...
Mi-e dor de liceu.
Mi-e dor de smokareala din spate.
De leagane si de sticlele de vin.
Si de ce faceam prin liceu.
De Muf-Muf.
Oh.
Si de Tampeanu`...
Si de Streinu, care, stiam de mult, dar a acceptat ca e gay <3 In sfarsit, copilasu` asta ma uimeste, il ador. :D
Heh... Amintirile ma chinuiesc.
July 10, 2011
...mdea.
ultimul post a fost acum o luna. WOW. s-au intamplat O GROAZA de chestii. nici nu stiu de unde sa incep. sau daca ar fi bine sa incep... mi-e somn.
nu, n-am dormit. si cand am vrut sa ma bag la somn m-a apucat o chestie, nu stiu.
mi-am adus aminte de bitch, de remi, de tibi... -.-'
...mdea. si cum nu se putea mai rau, de liz.
like, seriously? exat aia imi lipsea.
acum vai, vezi doamne e uc un tip. deci da, ma cracanez de ras, NU.
nu suport idea.
._. nici nu stiu de ce, dar nu ma incanta deloc.
ANYWAYS, nu ma intereseaza, e un capitol incheiat.
...tralallalalala.... m-am certat si cu kody.
BRAVO mie, imi trebuie un premiu, jur. sunt geniala. imi merge din ce in ce mai bine, cum nu se poate de bine.
FUCK, no.
in fine, bai.
oh...
OLI, SA NU CUMVA SA ITI PIERZI VOCEA!
nu, n-am dormit. si cand am vrut sa ma bag la somn m-a apucat o chestie, nu stiu.
mi-am adus aminte de bitch, de remi, de tibi... -.-'
...mdea. si cum nu se putea mai rau, de liz.
like, seriously? exat aia imi lipsea.
acum vai, vezi doamne e uc un tip. deci da, ma cracanez de ras, NU.
nu suport idea.
._. nici nu stiu de ce, dar nu ma incanta deloc.
ANYWAYS, nu ma intereseaza, e un capitol incheiat.
...tralallalalala.... m-am certat si cu kody.
BRAVO mie, imi trebuie un premiu, jur. sunt geniala. imi merge din ce in ce mai bine, cum nu se poate de bine.
FUCK, no.
in fine, bai.
oh...
OLI, SA NU CUMVA SA ITI PIERZI VOCEA!
June 9, 2011
....
this is non-sense. i could message you. but no. i'm a coward. i'm scared. i'm scared you'll be cold. i'm scared of you telling me i was wrong. you know i hate it. though i'm not supposed to. i just don't know. last week i've been listening to your favorite music, your favorite songs, just to find a way to be close to you... i miss you. i miss your moods. i miss you being weird. i don't know. i'm a fuck-up. i screwed this. so bad. i don't have any excuses. i love you so much. i lost you, i know. or maybe not... i just don't know... i want my bitch back. so badly... i am always keeping your message window open... maybe it will flash, but it doesn't.
i just am afraid to message you... because i know i lost you, and i know...i am stupid.
i've been mean, and yelling at you, when it wasn't your fault at all...
i am sorry.
just know... that you're still the best of my bests... i wish i could have you back.
like i once had you...
i just am afraid to message you... because i know i lost you, and i know...i am stupid.
i've been mean, and yelling at you, when it wasn't your fault at all...
i am sorry.
just know... that you're still the best of my bests... i wish i could have you back.
like i once had you...
June 5, 2011
Cateodata, stau si ma intreb de ce eu. Atatea minciuni. Prea multe minciuni. Lamentari si amenintari. Deja nu ma mai afecteaza, sub nicio forma. Insa… doare al dracu de tare. Si nu imi explic cum. Nici nu vreau sa-mi mai explic. Pur si simlu nu mai inteleg. Mi-e rau. Mi-e scarba de tot si de toate. Nu e corect…
May 27, 2011
Once. Upon. A. Time.
nimic nou.
nu ca s-ar putea intampla ceva nou in my life, but what so ever.
simt ca tre sa scriu, si sa ma descarc. in fine, things got complicated.
de la o simpla joaca de-a Tokio Hotel, s-a ajuns la o tampenie.
tampenie e putin spus... is a total mess. nu stiu cum, sau de ce, inca mai sper la o posibilitate de a vedea lucrurile clare.
sunt zapacita, nu stiu ce sa cred sau in cine. mi-e aiurea, si mi-e rusine, ca na, nimic si nimeni nu e perfect, dar totusi, la un moment dat, te simti in plus undeva unde odata erai totul.
nu stiu cum altii pot sa doarma in pace, si sa se trezeasca a doua zi, cu mintea limpede, ca si cum nimic nu s-ar fi intamplat.
mi se pare o prostie sa spun ca e vina mea, desi in mare parte este, pentru ca am crezut, si am inchis ochii.
ma simt ca o disperata. insa tot ce vroiam era sa imi vad un vis devenit realitate.
nu m-am gandit atunci ca visele sunt doar vise, si ca nimeni si nimic nu poate face un vis sa devia realitate, pentru ca la ce visez eu e aproape imposibil.
da, APROAPE. pentru ca inca mai am speranta, si stiu ca poate intr-o zi, prin cine stie ce circumstanta, poate se va intampla.
dar acum, in momentul de fata, sunt no feelings for no-one.
heartless, mai exact. dar nu-mi pasa, chiar nu am cum sa mai simt ceva, pentru ca am cazut din nori, si m-am lovit atat de tare cand am atins pamantul, incat am paralizat.
my heart is stone cold, da, nu regret, si nici n-am sa regret vreodata, insa e o rana care nu se va vindeca vreodata, pentru ca mi-am pierdut puterea de a mai crede in oameni.
i hate humanity. grav de tot.
shit happens, dar asta a fost asa de mari proportii... inca nu imi vine sa cred. undeva in suflet, inca simt nevoia disperata de a mai crede ca a fost adevarat. si cand deschid ochii, e ceva de genu`: "hai mah... cum naiba... nu cred... nu e adevarat..." si doare al dracu de tare.
insa life goes on, cu sau fara.
se intampla atat de multe incat nu am cum sa scriu despre tot, pentru ca nu pot sa gandesc limpede. sunt atat de confuza, si mi se pare ca totul e impotriva mea.
nici nu stiu cum o sa-i zic lu` tata ca n-a fost adevarat, pentru ca nu am chef sa aud morala lui.
si dupa ar trebui sa-i spun... "sti, fata care s-a jucat de-a Tom, e actuala mea prietena..." RIGHT. i'll get screwed over, pentru ca tata nu o sa accepte faptul ca sunt cu o fata.
nu mi-e rusine... dar e foarte aiurea.
si acum sincer, nici eu nu stiu daca accept ideea asta... nu vad un viitor, o familie...
nu stiu... nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc...
if i could just...run away...
May 25, 2011
Fumez Sentimente.
Fumez sentimente.
Visez cu ochii deschisi la sfarsitul lumii.. cand ne vom ineca cu fum ce miroase a scortisoara.
Voi plange destinul florilor moarrte, ma voi infasura in valul mortii cerului cand soarele va apune in Luceafarul diminetii de toamna; acum doar incerc sa ma ridic din letargia visarii ieftine ce e inca la reducere printre raioanele de creta colorata si stele prafuite.
Fumez sentimente.
Visez moartea viselor; cum se sting incet culorile in somnul negru al ratiunii.
Au lasat magazinul gol; acum numai am ce sa mai cumpar.
S-au terminat drogurile cu esenta de trandafir si semiluna salbatica de decembrie. E oribil sa vad cum mor reducerile in lumea salbatica de culori, putreda si lipsita de luminile stelelor.
Aprind fumul unor frunze parfumate...
Visez moartea viselor si a sentimentelor pentru tine.
Ochii tai ma lovesc acum ca un fulger violet...
Inca iti simt mirosul, de betisoare parfumate a portocale, pe care obisnuiai sa le aprinzi cand ma iubeai, in noptile tarzii.
Ce mai am eu... ?
Doar amintiri...
Amintiri care renasc in fiecare minut din viata mea, cand imi apare in minte chipul tau straveziu si perfect, cu surasul pe buze...
Fumez sentimente....
Visez cu ochii deschisi la sfarsitul lumii.. cand ne vom ineca cu fum ce miroase a scortisoara.
Voi plange destinul florilor moarrte, ma voi infasura in valul mortii cerului cand soarele va apune in Luceafarul diminetii de toamna; acum doar incerc sa ma ridic din letargia visarii ieftine ce e inca la reducere printre raioanele de creta colorata si stele prafuite.
Fumez sentimente.
Visez moartea viselor; cum se sting incet culorile in somnul negru al ratiunii.
Au lasat magazinul gol; acum numai am ce sa mai cumpar.
S-au terminat drogurile cu esenta de trandafir si semiluna salbatica de decembrie. E oribil sa vad cum mor reducerile in lumea salbatica de culori, putreda si lipsita de luminile stelelor.
Aprind fumul unor frunze parfumate...
Visez moartea viselor si a sentimentelor pentru tine.
Ochii tai ma lovesc acum ca un fulger violet...
Inca iti simt mirosul, de betisoare parfumate a portocale, pe care obisnuiai sa le aprinzi cand ma iubeai, in noptile tarzii.
Ce mai am eu... ?
Doar amintiri...
Amintiri care renasc in fiecare minut din viata mea, cand imi apare in minte chipul tau straveziu si perfect, cu surasul pe buze...
Fumez sentimente....
Scrisoare...
Pentru ceea ce as fi dorit sa fie, pentru ceea ce a fost demult, pentru ceea ce nu va fi poate niciodata; pentru ceea ce am suferit impreuna, pentru atunci cand clipele vor fi reci si grele, pentru cand zilele vor trece cenusii si intunecate si le voi egala cu zero.
Ti-am scris acum dupa atata amar de vreme, sperand intr-o posibila cale de comunicare, sperand va vei vrea sa-ti readuci aminte de mine, de noi, de tot ce-am fost unul pentru altul.
Crezi ca nepasarea ta nu doare ? Te cunosc prea bine si stiu ca nefericirea nu te atinge pe tine, si mai ales ca nefericirea mea nu te va atinge niciodata, copil norocos!... Dar crezi ca trebuie sa mor pentru ca frunzele tale nu vor sa ma alinte ? Pentru ca soarele tau nu vrea sa-mi lumineze chipul ? Pentru ca brazii tai sunt prea inalti pentru mine ? Pastreaza-ti fericirea pentru ziua cand muntii nu te vor mai primi, codrii te vor alunga, florile se vor inchide in calea ta. Voi astepta cu nerabdare ziua aceea pentru a-ti darui clipele mele de cristal.
De cand ne-am despartit ai sapat in mine o prapastie, o grota neagra si intunecoasa, in care ma zbat de atata timp si nu pot sa gasesc calea spre aer, spre lumina; ma afund mereu in intuneric; dar te zaresc pe tine, atunci cand credeam ca m-am vindecat, atunci am constatat ca prin tot ce fac esti tu. Pe tot ce-am facut, pe tot ce-am avut, pe toti i-am comparat cu tine. Erai tu, asa cum te dorisem, rau si incapatanat dar tandru si iubitor. De ce ? De ce s-a intamplat asa ? De ce ai plecat ? De ce ? De ce ? ...
Doamne, totul este numai un vis...
"Bine ai venit amagire,
Mai stai, mai dureaza un pic,
Aceasta mintita iubire,
Oricum, e mai mult ca nimic.
Despartirea e pentru mine bautura amara!
Sufletul meu nu vrea sa se desparta nicicand!
Dumnezeu stie ca te las sa pleci
Fara sa-mi rau ramas bun
Pentru ca mi-e teama ca inima ta
Sa nu se topeasca plangand..."
Eu mi-am ales singuratatea nu din orgoliu, ci dupa indelungata reflectare, din spirit de conservare. Viata mi-a relevat adevarul existentei, faptul ca omul se naste si moare singur, ca incercarea lui, intre cele doua puncte extreme ale traiectoriei sale, de a trai in doi este sortita esecului. Am supravietuit unui asemenea esec, dar nu am dreptul sa mai cred in dragoste, in prietenie...Zilele trec egale, la fel. Le inregistrez cu detasare trecerea, cu nepasare chiar, convinsa ca nu mai am nimic de asteptat de la ele. Ca nimic esential pentru mine nu are sa se mai intample.
Mi-am gasit un echilibru, o impacare cu noul fel de a-mi gandi viata si singura mea grija consider ca trebuie sa fie de acum incolo aceea de a-mi pastra acest echilibru, de a mi-l ocroti in fata unor posibile perturbatii venite din afara mea...
Uneori am impresia ca totul este inutil, absurd... Viata insasi... Mi se intampla aceasta, mai ales cand ma prabusesc sub greutatea multor "DE CE-uri" fara raspuns, cand incerc sa ma judec dincolo de prezent, sa-mi proiectez existenta vis-a-vis de ceea ce voi fi eu maine, de ce voi insemna eu maine pentru cei din jurul meu...
Imi lipseste intotdeauna curajul sa merg mai departe, sa ma gandesc la tine ca la o amintire... Cine are curajul sa se intrebe, nu mai poate fi fericit...
Am invatat sa renunt in viata, dar a renunta la tine imi pare ceva nedrept, prea mult!
Este ciudat cum de te mai doresc acum, dupa atata timp! Si cat m-am chinuit, si ce grele au fost clipele cand ne aflam fata in fata si ne jigneam amandoi, si cat ma respingeai, si cat te iubeam... si ce mult tineam la tine, si ce mult doaream sa ne impacam...
Mi-e dor de tine!...
Am fost numai pentru tine.
A Scar Is Just A Mark - 03.11.2010
Well, many says: "It's just a scar. It will heal."
But really? Behind every scar, it's a story. Most of them, are sad stories.
And I'm not talking about the Scars that you get on your body.
I am talking about those Scars that you get on your soul.
Those Scars that won't ever heal. Even if the wound is closed, and it may seem healed, it is not. The mark will remain, and every little thing will open it again.
And it will kneel you, it will make you scream.
It will make you feel like you want to be dead.
That mark of that Scar will torture you.
After a time, when it will open, will hurt. Twice. Triple.
Will be that deep that you'll cry blood from your eyes, you'll be wishing you could just erase your mind, your memory, you'll want all to be gone... You'll feel alone, you'll need to bury yourself in those thousand cigars, in those thousand glasses of alcohool...
You'll want a new start.
Does the Scars will go?
No.
They remain there, haunting you, making you cry, making you begging for death.
You can't face your pain... Not again... That pain that murders yourself, slowly...
"A broken heart is the only value you have left."
But you never give up.
Because, everyday you get hurt.. Everyday you get a new Scar.
This is how life is...
Hurts you...
And when you're hurt enough, how you think, it doesn't stops. Life pours salt on your wound, to hurt you even more...
But really? Behind every scar, it's a story. Most of them, are sad stories.
And I'm not talking about the Scars that you get on your body.
I am talking about those Scars that you get on your soul.
Those Scars that won't ever heal. Even if the wound is closed, and it may seem healed, it is not. The mark will remain, and every little thing will open it again.
And it will kneel you, it will make you scream.
It will make you feel like you want to be dead.
That mark of that Scar will torture you.
After a time, when it will open, will hurt. Twice. Triple.
Will be that deep that you'll cry blood from your eyes, you'll be wishing you could just erase your mind, your memory, you'll want all to be gone... You'll feel alone, you'll need to bury yourself in those thousand cigars, in those thousand glasses of alcohool...
You'll want a new start.
Does the Scars will go?
No.
They remain there, haunting you, making you cry, making you begging for death.
You can't face your pain... Not again... That pain that murders yourself, slowly...
"A broken heart is the only value you have left."
But you never give up.
Because, everyday you get hurt.. Everyday you get a new Scar.
This is how life is...
Hurts you...
And when you're hurt enough, how you think, it doesn't stops. Life pours salt on your wound, to hurt you even more...
04.11.2010
I really don't know anymore.
Why do people always hope for you, when they can't hope for themselves? Like they know your pain. And if you tell them, they say they understand. But they don't. Because you're the one that suffers. Not them. You feel that terrible pain that consumes you.
They just try to act like they care.
I don't know why they want to know. They really don't care. They just want to have something to talk about. They make fun of you, of you being hurt, while you cry, and cry until you just can't breathe no more.
It happens to me everytime. I'm sick of this. But what can I do?
I wish that the fake smile and the Happy Mask would still work. But not anymore.
I don't know why. It's hard to fake the smile of "I am so happy!" every moment.
I want to have rain all the time. So I can go outside, and cry, because no one will see me.
If I cry now, they will ask me. And I don't want to give them answers.
I don't want them in my life, even if I need them.
It hurts so much knowing that some people I love just laugh at my sorrow...
They just don't understand. They don't even try to. They just... fake that sad face, and give me that cold hug, that I rather not recieve...
I wonder why... What have I done to deserve this? I never hurt noone... I never laughed at people... I always put myself on last place, and them on the first... For what?
For nothing...
I just got back rejection, yellings, screams, hits and ignorance...
Where's the trust?
Where's the love?
Where are those friends that you can always count on, when you need them the most?
They are all gone... Because, they don't need you. Not when you need them...
I really don't know anymore....
All I know is that this hurts...
Why do people always hope for you, when they can't hope for themselves? Like they know your pain. And if you tell them, they say they understand. But they don't. Because you're the one that suffers. Not them. You feel that terrible pain that consumes you.
They just try to act like they care.
I don't know why they want to know. They really don't care. They just want to have something to talk about. They make fun of you, of you being hurt, while you cry, and cry until you just can't breathe no more.
It happens to me everytime. I'm sick of this. But what can I do?
I wish that the fake smile and the Happy Mask would still work. But not anymore.
I don't know why. It's hard to fake the smile of "I am so happy!" every moment.
I want to have rain all the time. So I can go outside, and cry, because no one will see me.
If I cry now, they will ask me. And I don't want to give them answers.
I don't want them in my life, even if I need them.
It hurts so much knowing that some people I love just laugh at my sorrow...
They just don't understand. They don't even try to. They just... fake that sad face, and give me that cold hug, that I rather not recieve...
I wonder why... What have I done to deserve this? I never hurt noone... I never laughed at people... I always put myself on last place, and them on the first... For what?
For nothing...
I just got back rejection, yellings, screams, hits and ignorance...
Where's the trust?
Where's the love?
Where are those friends that you can always count on, when you need them the most?
They are all gone... Because, they don't need you. Not when you need them...
I really don't know anymore....
All I know is that this hurts...
This is who I really am.
Look at me again. What you see? A crack of smile. A piece of heart. A shadow of sight. What I’ve done? I put myself on the death line. I tried to make good, and all I did was wrong. It all turned against me. The love I’ve give has returned to me double, but as hate. The tears I’ve cried, came back same way, as hits. What’s left of me? A hole. You can look at me, but you will see on the other side, you’ll see through me. I became nothing. I don’t know where I belong. I try to find a place, and all I get is rejection. Ignorance. Maybe I don’t realise what I’ve done. I want to leave. Far away. Leave all behind. Broke that crack of smile left. Smash that piece of heart and make the ghost disappear. Go on the other side. I just want to forget. I am nothing. For no one. Who really cares? Who ever saw between this mask I wear? Did they ever saw my really face? No… never. I wonder if they ever saw my cheeks.. full of scars.. left behind by the cold tears, which frozen in my eyes, because of the cruelty of you people, and made wounds on my face… my lips. They are dried. I tried so much to make you all listen. I talked. And I talked. But it was like you all were deaf. Or.. maybe I was mute. Maybe I just thought I can speak, but I never made a sound. Yes. I think this is it. I will never find a place for me. A place where I can be myself. I will always need to wear the mask. I am fooling everybody. But this is what I need to do. I will never know what is happines. I will never know what love is. I will never be… alive. I died long time ago. I died, when I was born. And you people. You making my life more than a hell. There is no one who can touch my skin and make me feel healing or loving. No one. You all just seek and get what you need from me then you throw me away. You all are the same. I am sorry. Maybe my life story has nothing happy in it. But I am not the only one in this. And I know how many people feel. And I just know that there will always be someone who will step on my heart, once and once again. I hate you people. I hate you all. All. One day, you will all feel my pain, I am sure. And I will laugh… you all mean nothing to me. Just some pieces of paper… dust. Not even that. You all don’t exist for me.
untitled.
don't search for me... dead or alive, it doesn't matter... I run away to save your life.. hurricane.. poisoning rain of tears... tragic death.. corpses... in my world where the whole world dies... the whole world bleeds.. clawing pain into the sky.. killing happines... with an evil smile which makes you curl up in pain begging for death... torture.. all done... smiling screams... kill them all... knives.. swords... bullets.. murdrer them... eat their souls.. we are the deads... soul eaters, happines killers.. eyes bleeding... cut it deep...burn.. let it all burn... pain is just the first step to the beginning of the torture... and with pain.. comes darkness.. slayers.. chasers.. hunters.. ghosts of the past.. hiting you with anger.. haunting you.. burning your pale skin, which the wind made it fade.. bleeding arms.. bleeding.. feeling lost inside a black hole.. where soul eaters devorate you step by step.. you run away.. from the light... no salvation.. you're punished... you're killed by your own happines... your own tears makes you drown.. in a sea of blood.. makes you swallow it, and spit it, and pouring your screams away.. red moon turned blue.. blood on your hands.. you killed your happines.. you let them eat you.. you never wanted the sun to shine.. now we take it away at all.. your only light is dying.. its only a small flame.. down the earth.. wet the earth with your bitter sweet tears.. crying after what you gave us.. you lost it.. it's you.. feed us.. bleed on us.. smile hurtful.. make us alive.. give us shape.. we kill you.. day by day.. we're the ones who craves for our soul.. spil your heart out.. cut it into pieces... we'll have that evil smirk.. that evil smile which will haunt your dreams.. your sight.. you'll lose your mind.. you'll go insane.. we'll have you.. look at the blood that covers the palms of your hands.. scream now.. loud.. as no one can hear you but us.. you're by yourself.. you are a murdrer.. you beg for mercy, beg for deliverance.. you only get stabs.. and you bleed... your mouth its red.. and your skin.. bruised.. we hit you.. we hurt you.. we love to see you in pain.. shout it whispering.. you lose your voice.. or people are deaf.. they don't hear you.. they don't see you.. you are alone.. you died.. you're a hollow soul.. give yourself to us.. mind.. body.. soul.. heart.. lost hope.. fears.. regrets.. memories.. fading away.. you.. missing pieces... rain falls.. you went.. in the shadow of the darkness.. where all the leaves falls. you're dead inside. we ate you alive.. we stole your happines.. we left you pain.. we left you sufference.. we left you .. nothing.. now cry little child.. dry tears.. we take them too.. nothing left for you.. you're empty.. as a hole... look behind.. painful memories.. a past of blood.. a riot of flames buring behind... you're one of us.. now you can only hear whispers of what it was.. silent whispers.. dead of alive.. ? undead.. let it crash.. let it fall... let if fly.. let it go... follow us.. take our hand… sins.. life... it's only a path to death.. you run all the time to the end of it.. you can't go nowhere else... and at the end.. it waith you the frozen grave.. shining in the pale moonlight which lights it..
With you.
Pretty little thing..
I am in love with the way you show me support. And how you make me smile, and show a smile that I always kept hidden inside. See? I'm in love with your heart. You always know what to say. And when I am feeling like all the world is on my shoulders, you come and hold it for me. You always make each moment perfect. You never let me know when you're hurt. But why I feel it? I'm in love with the way that you talk. You just smile and light up a fire inside.
You just keep quiet and make me miss you, and need you. And then.. you break the silence saying you love me. But you hurt me.. much than you will ever get to know. Why? Because.. I can have you only in my dreams. Even if you're with me. Your absence feeds my heart with longing. Your presence.. always missed..
I'm in love with way that you're beautiful. I'm in love with your way to make me feel loved. Who are you? What are you? I am in love with your touch, even if I don't feel it… I'm in love with the way you say I love you. You say it when it's needed.
I cry. Because you.. and me.. are far away. Who doesn't? Everynight, and every day, I can't think of anything but you. You raptured my mind. Floating… yes, I am. But. You. Just make me. And I know.. that day when we will go out, on streets, holding hands, with the wind in our hair, playing with it, and the sun rays will gently make us shine together… will be two stars, shining on daylight…
A love without end… a love who grows strong… a love which make us lose control of hearts… I'm in love with they way you're just not right. And I'm in love with the way you admit you was wrong. And I am in love with the way that you tell your friends you love me. And I am in love with the way that you trust me.
And I want you to know that I don't care what people think. I am in love with you. I swear, I'm in love with the way you're so nice. I'm in love with the things that you do. I am in love with the way that we come so far in this relationship.. it's so nice.
I will respect what you do, forever. I will love you through everything. I will gave you all you need. Ask me time, you'll have all you need. Ask me space, I will make sure you will have it. I promised forever, and it's a promise I intend to keep.
Who says that relationships does not last years? I am in love with the way we make love. I am in love with every breathe you take. I live because you live. I am alive because you brought life back into me. I am at your feets. Everything I do, I do it for you.
Sometimes we rush it and sometimes we fall. The way we go on, it's something that no one can do. You try to hide, I know you do. But I just can't hide my love for you. The world just dissapears when you around me.
We'll stay in this together. And if one of us will ever fall… the other will fall too.
I am in love with the way you show me support. And how you make me smile, and show a smile that I always kept hidden inside. See? I'm in love with your heart. You always know what to say. And when I am feeling like all the world is on my shoulders, you come and hold it for me. You always make each moment perfect. You never let me know when you're hurt. But why I feel it? I'm in love with the way that you talk. You just smile and light up a fire inside.
You just keep quiet and make me miss you, and need you. And then.. you break the silence saying you love me. But you hurt me.. much than you will ever get to know. Why? Because.. I can have you only in my dreams. Even if you're with me. Your absence feeds my heart with longing. Your presence.. always missed..
I'm in love with way that you're beautiful. I'm in love with your way to make me feel loved. Who are you? What are you? I am in love with your touch, even if I don't feel it… I'm in love with the way you say I love you. You say it when it's needed.
I cry. Because you.. and me.. are far away. Who doesn't? Everynight, and every day, I can't think of anything but you. You raptured my mind. Floating… yes, I am. But. You. Just make me. And I know.. that day when we will go out, on streets, holding hands, with the wind in our hair, playing with it, and the sun rays will gently make us shine together… will be two stars, shining on daylight…
A love without end… a love who grows strong… a love which make us lose control of hearts… I'm in love with they way you're just not right. And I'm in love with the way you admit you was wrong. And I am in love with the way that you tell your friends you love me. And I am in love with the way that you trust me.
And I want you to know that I don't care what people think. I am in love with you. I swear, I'm in love with the way you're so nice. I'm in love with the things that you do. I am in love with the way that we come so far in this relationship.. it's so nice.
I will respect what you do, forever. I will love you through everything. I will gave you all you need. Ask me time, you'll have all you need. Ask me space, I will make sure you will have it. I promised forever, and it's a promise I intend to keep.
Who says that relationships does not last years? I am in love with the way we make love. I am in love with every breathe you take. I live because you live. I am alive because you brought life back into me. I am at your feets. Everything I do, I do it for you.
Sometimes we rush it and sometimes we fall. The way we go on, it's something that no one can do. You try to hide, I know you do. But I just can't hide my love for you. The world just dissapears when you around me.
We'll stay in this together. And if one of us will ever fall… the other will fall too.
There were days when...
There were days when ...
Everything was going well.
I am trying to hide what it's called depression,
And fake a smile just for the good impression.
I am what you see and you know I am,
And I can not be different.
I ask for your patience, saying that it hurts.
There were days when everything was going well.
Honestly I didn't wanted them to end...
Now even if it's hard for me,
I'll always have you in my mind.
My tears are hiding.
Thousands words unspoken,
Time turned in cold seconds..
You're still present..
Unrealistic hopes and dreams were consumed,
In false ideals they turned,
You became absent..
I've believed in you
You did just what you wanted.
And maybe you loved me, but to show me you did not know how.
You've hurt me so many times, like I didn't even existed..
Maybe I didn't cared if I didn't loved you.
You've hurt me because you was the first who turned the back on me
Instead of being with me, being the one to remove my tears.
You've ran away when it was hard,
Though you was the one who said
"No matter what others say",
This time it mattered..
But whatever you are..
Looks like you forgot
All the beautiful moments
We have made..
I was once in your game.
But I have been left in confusion..
Think yourself what you want out of life,
Think yourself if you can face it,
As you're away from me now...
Everything was going well.
I am trying to hide what it's called depression,
And fake a smile just for the good impression.
I am what you see and you know I am,
And I can not be different.
I ask for your patience, saying that it hurts.
There were days when everything was going well.
Honestly I didn't wanted them to end...
Now even if it's hard for me,
I'll always have you in my mind.
My tears are hiding.
Thousands words unspoken,
Time turned in cold seconds..
You're still present..
Unrealistic hopes and dreams were consumed,
In false ideals they turned,
You became absent..
I've believed in you
You did just what you wanted.
And maybe you loved me, but to show me you did not know how.
You've hurt me so many times, like I didn't even existed..
Maybe I didn't cared if I didn't loved you.
You've hurt me because you was the first who turned the back on me
Instead of being with me, being the one to remove my tears.
You've ran away when it was hard,
Though you was the one who said
"No matter what others say",
This time it mattered..
But whatever you are..
Looks like you forgot
All the beautiful moments
We have made..
I was once in your game.
But I have been left in confusion..
Think yourself what you want out of life,
Think yourself if you can face it,
As you're away from me now...
Toys.
When the night comes on the window,
The childrens must sleep.
Let's say bed time toy stories..
In their candy stripe box,
Dwarves stand immovable.
A fairy gives her hand to the
Prince and everyone is happy...
And from Heaven I'Il crown the
Mysterious moon.
Where stars gather
No number above the sky.
The flame in her room
Seems beautiful as a dream.
And it enters the room
Even the window is not open...
And in the morning comes alive
A heroes story.
We sit in silence and wait.
Play, and with
Each toy,
Her entire universe
It has soul and is alive.
Only the mature ones doesn't understand.
The childrens must sleep.
Let's say bed time toy stories..
In their candy stripe box,
Dwarves stand immovable.
A fairy gives her hand to the
Prince and everyone is happy...
And from Heaven I'Il crown the
Mysterious moon.
Where stars gather
No number above the sky.
The flame in her room
Seems beautiful as a dream.
And it enters the room
Even the window is not open...
And in the morning comes alive
A heroes story.
We sit in silence and wait.
Play, and with
Each toy,
Her entire universe
It has soul and is alive.
Only the mature ones doesn't understand.
... fucked mind.
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01.02.2011
It happens.. always.. they use you.. then they.. they throw you away.. like you’re a broken toy..
In fact.. why would they care.. ?
All they do is lie.. cuz.. lies lives in them…
They spit on you.. they put you in dirt…
It’s normal…
They have th world at their legs…
You’re nothing but a fly in their eyes…
They are mean…
Reasons… ? Never…
Hatred.
Pain.
Tears.
All lies.
As days goes by I start to realize that.. I don’t have what to do here... I am here waiting for nothing.. Hoping for nothing.. Crying for nothing.. Hurting for nothing.. Nobody cares… Nobody knows…
I trust in my self-righteous suicide.. I cry…
Fables..
I’m such a fool..
It’s all my fault…
I shold have never…
It doesn’t matter anymore…
In fact.. why would they care.. ?
All they do is lie.. cuz.. lies lives in them…
They spit on you.. they put you in dirt…
It’s normal…
They have th world at their legs…
You’re nothing but a fly in their eyes…
They are mean…
Reasons… ? Never…
Hatred.
Pain.
Tears.
All lies.
As days goes by I start to realize that.. I don’t have what to do here... I am here waiting for nothing.. Hoping for nothing.. Crying for nothing.. Hurting for nothing.. Nobody cares… Nobody knows…
I trust in my self-righteous suicide.. I cry…
Fables..
I’m such a fool..
It’s all my fault…
I shold have never…
It doesn’t matter anymore…
WAR. In two [ wrote on 8.02.2011 ]
You are my good thought
When I hide in smoke.
And maybe I'll have with you one final way...
And I say that if everything crashes,
If I'm with you, I'll have it all.
When they all forget about me,
I fly, you understand me, squeeze me, and I warm up.
You make me believe that is so hard to lose.
You're the one who always answers.
When asking for backup, the non-hidden.
The one who makes be sun when it rains.
The one who takes me into a new era.
You're the bandage with which I heal my wounds..
When I bleed, fell on the ground, half dead,
You make me get up and shake the dust.
I clench my teeth and I'm ready for a new fight.
You are my companion when I hang on by a thread..
In this battle called life.
You're the voice I hear when everything is quiet around.
When everything else has gone,
When the lines were drawn,
And they gave other verdicts..
Other sentences..
Other wishes.
You bring me to normal when I turn upside down.
And I might not show it, but it would be so hard
Without you. Would be just a simple me...
You are my smile in a dark night.
When after a dawn.. light is all gone.
Dust on the road.
When I shake myself, I say...
There's noone to collect me.
In any war is easier in two.
Don't say now that the feelings are dead.
And now.. the armor fell.. the naked eyes shed rain...
Feelings are stained with mud and then pour...
Memories turned into undead...
My mouth will howl.. My hands will shake.
That's my war with the world.
And you'll be just one, always.
And when the sun and the moon will fall from the sky,
You'll still be the one.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not you.
Maybe or maybe not... do I fool myself?
Even if there are storms, snow, sun and rain
In any war is easier in two...
When I hide in smoke.
And maybe I'll have with you one final way...
And I say that if everything crashes,
If I'm with you, I'll have it all.
When they all forget about me,
I fly, you understand me, squeeze me, and I warm up.
You make me believe that is so hard to lose.
You're the one who always answers.
When asking for backup, the non-hidden.
The one who makes be sun when it rains.
The one who takes me into a new era.
You're the bandage with which I heal my wounds..
When I bleed, fell on the ground, half dead,
You make me get up and shake the dust.
I clench my teeth and I'm ready for a new fight.
You are my companion when I hang on by a thread..
In this battle called life.
You're the voice I hear when everything is quiet around.
When everything else has gone,
When the lines were drawn,
And they gave other verdicts..
Other sentences..
Other wishes.
You bring me to normal when I turn upside down.
And I might not show it, but it would be so hard
Without you. Would be just a simple me...
You are my smile in a dark night.
When after a dawn.. light is all gone.
Dust on the road.
When I shake myself, I say...
There's noone to collect me.
In any war is easier in two.
Don't say now that the feelings are dead.
And now.. the armor fell.. the naked eyes shed rain...
Feelings are stained with mud and then pour...
Memories turned into undead...
My mouth will howl.. My hands will shake.
That's my war with the world.
And you'll be just one, always.
And when the sun and the moon will fall from the sky,
You'll still be the one.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not you.
Maybe or maybe not... do I fool myself?
Even if there are storms, snow, sun and rain
In any war is easier in two...
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