o parte din mine, pe capitole

~11.09.2011
Si cand te gandesti ca a spune ceea ce simti poate fi mai greu decat orice pe lumea asta, tot nu-ti vine sa crezi... Si stai, si iar te gandesti. Pana cand? Imagineaza-ti ca brusc esti deja ramolit, si tot nu ti-ai spus "oful"... Cum ar fii? Sa te trezesti la o anumita varsta, plin de regrete, cu toata viata trecuta pe langa tine fara ca tu sa te fi bucurat de ea?... N-ar fi trist? Realizand in acel moment tot ce puteai sa faci, dar nu te-ai incumetat. Fara acel "Ei, si ce?" rostit pe buzele tale...
Daca ar fi dupa mine, eu as spune tot ce am facut si tot ce am trait pana acum, dar nu fac acest lucru pentru ca risc sa fiu criticata si sa aud morala, pe care nu o suport. Da, recunosc, am fost o adevarata adolescenta si am facut TOT ce face un adolescent. De la A la Z, fara regrete si fara sa imi pese de consecinte. Si acum, la fel procedez. Nu-mi pasa, sincer... de ce cred altii, sau de ce zic altii sau de ceea ce vor ei de la mine. In fond, eu imi traiesc viata dupa regulile mele si dupa mintea mea. Acum o sa ziceti ca, daca se intampla asa sau altfel, ce o sa fac? Pai, vad pe moment, nu? O sa imi treaca mie ceva prin cap la momentul respectiv, ca si pana acum.
Vreau intai sa le multumesc alor mei, ca nu m-au "ferecat" ca pe altii si ca nu mi-au impus regulile lor. Am fost, sunt si voi fii mereu recunoscatoare pentru treaba asta. Bine, poate ca am fost si in situatia de a nu ii avea langa mine, pe nici unul din ei cand am fost copil si poate ca am trait pe usile altora, dar asta m-a facut mai puternica si m-a facut o supravietuitoare. Am invatat ca viata nu e ceva premeditat. Viata doar se intampla, si nimeni nu va putea nici macar sa isi imagineze ce se poate intampla...- nu stii niciodata ce sare din joben - ...(fac aluzie la toti cei care se dau drept mari clarvazatori si prevestesc viitorul, la asa-zisele ghicitoare in cafele, cristale, globuri, oglinzi ale sufleului?, in palma, in carti de tarot si in mai stiu eu ce alte pipote de pui).
In fine, toate curg, ca si un rau, care nu stii cum isi schimba cursul sau ce vartejuri are.

Total in afara subiectului, mi-a trecut prin minte o chestie... cum am aparut noi. Oamenii. Pentru ca, sincer, desi cred in Dumnezeu, refuz sa dau crezare acelui capitol din Biblie, intitulat "Facerea"... mi se pare stupid. De ce? Pai, pentru ca Biblia pentru mine este ceva nefondat. De unde, si cine imi poate dovedi mie ca acelea chiar sunt predicile Domnului, si ca acele chestii sau intamplat? Cum unii imi spuneau mie ca faraonii si comorile lor au fost asa, de fatada... Pai, atunci piramidele si toate artefactele gasite prin orasele antice, ce sunt? Pentru mine sunt dovezi ca au existat. Chiar daca acele "comori" care au fost ingropate cu ei nu s-au mai gasit... Deci, sa revenim, vreau dovezi ca tot ce ne spune Biserica despre acest Dumnezeu pe care ei il venereaza asa mult, a fost adevarat. Ca imi aduc ei mie moastele sfantului nu stiu care, gasit nu stiu unde, nu-mi dovedeste nimic. Si sincer, Biserica si acesti preoti care se cred trimisii Lui, incalca MULTE din cele 10 Porunci. Folosesc drept exemplu icoanele. "Sa nu-ti faci chip cioplit sau vreo alta asemanare si sa nu te inchini ei." este una din cele porunci... Cum, daca toata lumea in ziua de azi pupa si face plecaciuni in fata unor picturi care, Sinte Ceruri, SEAMANA cu Iisus sau cu Fecioara Maria. Pe bune acum, nu inteleg, si nici nu am sa inteleg vreodata. Ii numesc satanisti si necredinciosi pe cei care se inchina lui Buddah sau lui Allah, ii considera mai stiu eu ce... SERIOS?!! Pai, voi va inchinati acestui Dumnezeu, care, voi l-ati creat... Singurul lucru SFANT CU ADEVARAT pentru mine, este Sfanta Cruce, desi, in unele momente, nu sunt sigura nici de cruce ca este ceva cu adevarat sfant...
E ceva cu dus-intors, care ma chinuie.
Daca exista un singur Dumnezeu, de ce religia se imparte in atatea ramuri? Gen... penticostali, ortodocsi, catolici etc, etc... M-as duce, pe cuvant, sa- intreb pe un preot... Numeste-ma ateu pentru ca nu cred, dar nu pot. Nu am in ce. "Sa ai intotdeauna credinta, Dumnezeu te ajuta.", da, okay, inteleg. Dar, Dumnezeu este peste tot, si nu trebuie sa me duc la o biserica sau la vreo manastire pentru a crede, sincer. Nu cred pana nu vad.

Am inceput a scrie, si cred ca am cam dat gres. In fine, nu-mi scriu memoriile si nici vreo carte (sper) ca sa am o introducere cum am invatat in scoala...

Este 11 Septembrie. Azi sunt exact 10 ani de la tragedia din America, mai exact din New York unde acel pakistanez, iranian, irakian sau ce era a distrus printr-un kamikaze (nepilotat de el, adica, toata lumea stie care a fost treaba cu zborul ala, sau nu...?) turnurile gemene... Pacat. Nu am apucat sa le vad. Asta e, a fost si este razboi, din cauza americanilor retardati care cred ca ei sunt cei mai destepti si ca lor li se cuvine tot. Haha, mi-ar place sa li se taie craca si lor, si sa revina cu picioarele pe pamant. Lol, au presedinte un negru, dar ei sunt rasisti majoritatea...

Ascult o melodie care ma unge pe suflet... Learn my lesson, care este cantata de Daughtry. Si, asa usor, in miez de noapte, aproape adormita, gandul ma poarta spre el. Da, ca intodeauna, trebuie sa imi amintesc de el. N-am ce face, il iubesc... De 2 ani, si azi imi dau seama ca, asa cum am inceput sa scriu, despre felul in care stai sa te gandesti ca nu spui anumte lucruri, te face sa ai regrete. Desi am zis ca nu am regrete, este adevarat in mare parte. Dar, poate am, unul, poate o sa il am ceva timp de acum inainte. Desi am facut un pas... mi-e frica sa il fac pe al doilea...
... sunt o lasa. Mi-e frica de refuz. Ca niciodata. De fapt, nu de refuz. Mi-e frica ca as putea risca o prietenie care pana acum, pot spune ca a fost frumoasa... Imi amintesc o intrebare, care mi-a fost pusa exact in prima zi cand l-am intalnit. "Ai tatuaj pe gat?", pe un ton curios...

Ar trebui sa ma consider jalnica, dar nu o fac. Mai bine ma duc sa inchei ziua ce tocmai a trecut, cu un somn bine meritat, desi nu am facut mare lucru. Vreau doar sa pun capul pe perna si sa inchid ochii, si sa fie totul exact cum vreau eu...


~12.09.2011
Inca 5 minute si este deja 13... Doua luni de la ziua mea... Wow. Ce repede trece timpu'...
A. Si ce crezi? E MARTI 13... Maine nu fac nimic. Absolut nimic. Stau. Dorm. Doamne, m-a apucat o stare de panica. Si numai din cauza ca maine e marti 13.

Mi-e dor de...
Ingerul meu? Da. Ca asa il consider pe el. Sunt nebuna. Si nu ma pot vindeca... Nu-mi pasa. Cand sunt in preajma lui, totul este perfect. Aerul pe care il respira, as vrea sa-l respir si eu, mereu... Daca acum inchid ochii il vad pe el.
Ciudat, cum de la o zi la alta sentimentele sunt mereu mai puternice si mai pline de dorinta...
Mai bine ma duc sa dorm... sau nu. Celine Dion si super-cunoscuta ei melodie, My heart will go on, tocmai imi rasuna in timpane... Si mi-au dat lacrmile si iar am sa plang, si iar am sa vreau sa ascult ce nu trebuie si iar am sa-mi fac rau singura... Ma intreb oare pana cand am sa ma mai trezesc cu urme de un amestec de rimel cu fard intins pe fata de la lacrimile pe care le plang ochii mei in fiecare seara...

"Dancing bears... Painted wings... Things I almost remember... And a song someone sings once upon a Decemeber... Someone holds me safe and warm..."
Imi aduc aminte de copilarie... Imi aduc aminte de...mama. Care nu prea a fost mai deloc acolo. Ii simt lipsa. Am un gol, pe care nimic si nimeni nu-l va umple vreodata. Stiu ce-a facut, si stiu ce face, si mi-e frica pentru ea... Asa cum e, e mama... si o iubesc... Oare ea stie...? Se gandeste la mine cum ma gandesc eu la ea? Nu cred. N-am insemmnat niciodata prea mult pentru ea. Stiu ca nici eu n-am fost vrun copil minune, si ca nici asa cum a vrut ea n-am fost, si nici n-am sa fiu. Dar totusi... As fi vrut sa fie ea linia mea de sosire la fiecare sfarsit de zi, si sa fie ea prima care imi zambeste dimineata, chiar daca n-ar fii motive... Sa fie mama. Si nu o straina...
Dar asta e. Ea are alta viata... Joaca in alt film. Un film in care eu apar doar ca figurant... Figurant cu replici. Plang pentru ea, desi stiu ca nu merita... dar doare.

Pe de alta parte... Cu tata mi-e bine. Desi... sunt multe chestii si aici... Il fac sa sufere. Pentru ca din cauza mamei inexistente care nu-mi da atentie, ma razbun pe el... Si nu pot sa nu o fac, am incercat... Tata e cel mai bun si cel mai nobil suflet de pe lume, si eu il fac sa planga... Il ignor si tip la el, si-mi bat joc de el.

Just make it stop... someone...

Something...

There are so many things words can't tell. There are so many feelings actions or even words can't express. There are so many ways to show love, yet so few that truly reveal something.
We're humans. We're not born already taught about life and about all that comes with it. We live to learn. We make mistakes, we take consequences, we make commitments we cannot keep. It's in our nature. But, it's all a circle.
In fact, nothing of what I'm saying here doesn't make any sense, but one thing I know. This one will be long. And I may write my whole life here. But, as I said, we say things we forget later. I can promise to myself that I will write this but, the truth is I can't know If I will. Something can happen, or I can just get mad or simple, I will not want to.
Right now, I am day dreaming. I imagine I am somewhere far away from here, with Him, the only one I ever truly loved, and still love. Isn't it weird? That few years ago, I could have swore that I felt real love. But I didn't. It was lust most of it all, most of them all were just passing by in my life. And how does it sound like, me saying that for about 2 years, I lost my mind to some dude I met one day, randomly? Maybe it was the destiny. Maybe it wasn't meant to turn this way. But it did. He stole my heart, and especially my mind. Every where I look around, is Him. I can't see someone else. And if I do, is for seconds, because right after, He comes to my mind.
I tried. I swear I did, I do. But, he's still there. Like a...tattoo? If this is a clichee, I really don't care.
I don't think I want this anymore. I hate being alone. But I refuse being with someone I can't have feelings for, because that someone may love me, and hurts to not be loved in return. I know it so well.
I know I deserve better after all, but my tear drops will keep fall for Him. Because... I love Him, simple as that. Many told me that it's just an obsession that will go away soon as I get to have Him. They said I will stop having feelings for Him, if we get together, because I've waited for so long, and when He and I will be together, there won't be feelings. If you know what I mean... Thing that ain't true. I wonder, do those who told me know what love is? Because from the way they act or talk, shows me that they've never felt this, or at least a bit of how true love is...
Do they understand how's like knowing you can lose it all with just a heartbeat? Or do they know how painful and burning are the tears every night and day, falling without any sign that they'll stop? Will they ever know...? No. Or maybe they will. But until then, it all falls apart for me, it all goes to Hell every day, being alone and hoping for something that feels like more than impossible.
It's like a battlefield. You fight, but you never win. And if you do, is never the war. Just battles, that means really nothing if you sit and think about it. But you go on, even if you hurt. You can't stop loving, you can't live without love. You need love. Your heart asks for love, even if you don't get it, you need to offer it. But when it's pushed away, you hurt again, and still, you don't stop. You go on and on, and you don't care where this will get you.
I will never stop fighting for Him. I will do even the impossible to try and get Him, because He's the only reason I'm still alive. I don't listen to what people say, or how much they try to push me away from my feelings. They don't know what's like being in love like I am, they don't know how it feels when your worlds revolves around that one special human being. It's love, not a stupid obsession. Obsession don't last long, obsessions don't hurt, don't make you cry and wish to be dead just because you can't have what you wish for.
I die for having Him, and sooner or later, I will. I know I will. As long as I don't stop, there's still hope.

That fake hope you get can break you so hard... But you stand up again, face the reality and move on, not caring what will happen from that moment, and crashed, like a runaway train that derailed, you hold tears back and hope again. And you ask why so much hope for something that's dead and burried?
But then again, something's screaming deep inside you to not lose faith and believe in your dream, even if when you look in the mirror you see just the ghost of you.
Frustration? Yes, of course. Much of it, because you don't know where you went and go wrong. How strong a feeling can get and how much control can have on you? You sit and wonder, and you wake and believe some visions from when you're sleeping and you think it's true, but then... you see it's not over. And you try and do it right this time, even if a part of you is dead inside.
You have too many lifes, that's what you come to believe. But it's not that. It's just not over, it's just something standing on the ground, the love that's killing you, it's your heart being stepped on, and you pick it up, take it and break it again.
You should've learn your lesson by now. But you're trying to reach for a sweet dream, and you taste the emptiness before the darkness wakes you. You swear you give up the longing, you say you'll figure all out, but then the fire starts again, making you wonder how, and why. Will you ever learn something? Will you ever give this up? Will this ghost of a love that won't happen stop haunting you down? There are so many questions you could ask, but you're afraid of empty answers. Or of the silence.
You are all alone, spitting smoke on the road behind you, going but without knowing where, you just want to forget all the laughter and all the happy moments that now are hurting you. But at the same time, those are the only things left to you, those moments you were alive. Now, you're left so hollow, without any reason, that's what you think. You want that back, you want things to be like they were before.

So, you take all the pieces of you from the frozen floor and put them together, and when you're done setting yourself up, you notice something is missing... It's your heart, that you can never put back together, because He's got most of the missing parts you need, and you're incomplete. And you fall back, and you wish He was there, making you complete, once and for all.
The memories remain. Reflecting what it could have been. It all seems so clear.
Finding what is real, the days are so long, reaching for something that's already so long gone.
It was worth it in the end? Or you've lost yourself for nothing? What's this all about? Why you're crying, knowing it's your mistake that you keep making again and again? Can you see beyond the scars? Change the colors of the sky? For all things that never died, making it through the night. What about now? What about today? What if it's lost behind, all the words you've never found?
Before is too late, start a new day, because the sun still breaks through your eyes, and love will find you. Make yourself what you're made to be. Now that you're here, you've come this far... Just hold on. There's nothing to fear, He's inside you forever, making you holding on and reach for a chance and for a shot at love. He's taught you what love is, and how to love and He showed you the world through your eyes, but from others.
Don't be afraid to dream again. Go for broke.

What I meant to say is that you've hold on while He's let go. You're strong enough to say that you're perfect little world is burning down, but that you can walk through it.
What I really meant to say is that you're not the only one that makes mistakes. You're not sorry for all the hurt you've been through, because you've loved, and you still love, but you've end up thinking it's time to let it all go, you're ready to throw the ashes in the sea; time to forget all the stupid things you've said and done, and find something new to go after. You can smile and you do it, you feel the warm wind blowing through your hair, making you feel so new and fresh. You finally laugh and enjoy life at it's highs.
And then again...

I keep questioning myself... With love is bad without love is worse...
How the Hell then...? I honestly don't get it. I think I never will. But, maybe this is how it goes, you know? Eye for an eye. It sounds true.