Something...

There are so many things words can't tell. There are so many feelings actions or even words can't express. There are so many ways to show love, yet so few that truly reveal something.
We're humans. We're not born already taught about life and about all that comes with it. We live to learn. We make mistakes, we take consequences, we make commitments we cannot keep. It's in our nature. But, it's all a circle.
In fact, nothing of what I'm saying here doesn't make any sense, but one thing I know. This one will be long. And I may write my whole life here. But, as I said, we say things we forget later. I can promise to myself that I will write this but, the truth is I can't know If I will. Something can happen, or I can just get mad or simple, I will not want to.
Right now, I am day dreaming. I imagine I am somewhere far away from here, with Him, the only one I ever truly loved, and still love. Isn't it weird? That few years ago, I could have swore that I felt real love. But I didn't. It was lust most of it all, most of them all were just passing by in my life. And how does it sound like, me saying that for about 2 years, I lost my mind to some dude I met one day, randomly? Maybe it was the destiny. Maybe it wasn't meant to turn this way. But it did. He stole my heart, and especially my mind. Every where I look around, is Him. I can't see someone else. And if I do, is for seconds, because right after, He comes to my mind.
I tried. I swear I did, I do. But, he's still there. Like a...tattoo? If this is a clichee, I really don't care.
I don't think I want this anymore. I hate being alone. But I refuse being with someone I can't have feelings for, because that someone may love me, and hurts to not be loved in return. I know it so well.
I know I deserve better after all, but my tear drops will keep fall for Him. Because... I love Him, simple as that. Many told me that it's just an obsession that will go away soon as I get to have Him. They said I will stop having feelings for Him, if we get together, because I've waited for so long, and when He and I will be together, there won't be feelings. If you know what I mean... Thing that ain't true. I wonder, do those who told me know what love is? Because from the way they act or talk, shows me that they've never felt this, or at least a bit of how true love is...
Do they understand how's like knowing you can lose it all with just a heartbeat? Or do they know how painful and burning are the tears every night and day, falling without any sign that they'll stop? Will they ever know...? No. Or maybe they will. But until then, it all falls apart for me, it all goes to Hell every day, being alone and hoping for something that feels like more than impossible.
It's like a battlefield. You fight, but you never win. And if you do, is never the war. Just battles, that means really nothing if you sit and think about it. But you go on, even if you hurt. You can't stop loving, you can't live without love. You need love. Your heart asks for love, even if you don't get it, you need to offer it. But when it's pushed away, you hurt again, and still, you don't stop. You go on and on, and you don't care where this will get you.
I will never stop fighting for Him. I will do even the impossible to try and get Him, because He's the only reason I'm still alive. I don't listen to what people say, or how much they try to push me away from my feelings. They don't know what's like being in love like I am, they don't know how it feels when your worlds revolves around that one special human being. It's love, not a stupid obsession. Obsession don't last long, obsessions don't hurt, don't make you cry and wish to be dead just because you can't have what you wish for.
I die for having Him, and sooner or later, I will. I know I will. As long as I don't stop, there's still hope.

That fake hope you get can break you so hard... But you stand up again, face the reality and move on, not caring what will happen from that moment, and crashed, like a runaway train that derailed, you hold tears back and hope again. And you ask why so much hope for something that's dead and burried?
But then again, something's screaming deep inside you to not lose faith and believe in your dream, even if when you look in the mirror you see just the ghost of you.
Frustration? Yes, of course. Much of it, because you don't know where you went and go wrong. How strong a feeling can get and how much control can have on you? You sit and wonder, and you wake and believe some visions from when you're sleeping and you think it's true, but then... you see it's not over. And you try and do it right this time, even if a part of you is dead inside.
You have too many lifes, that's what you come to believe. But it's not that. It's just not over, it's just something standing on the ground, the love that's killing you, it's your heart being stepped on, and you pick it up, take it and break it again.
You should've learn your lesson by now. But you're trying to reach for a sweet dream, and you taste the emptiness before the darkness wakes you. You swear you give up the longing, you say you'll figure all out, but then the fire starts again, making you wonder how, and why. Will you ever learn something? Will you ever give this up? Will this ghost of a love that won't happen stop haunting you down? There are so many questions you could ask, but you're afraid of empty answers. Or of the silence.
You are all alone, spitting smoke on the road behind you, going but without knowing where, you just want to forget all the laughter and all the happy moments that now are hurting you. But at the same time, those are the only things left to you, those moments you were alive. Now, you're left so hollow, without any reason, that's what you think. You want that back, you want things to be like they were before.

So, you take all the pieces of you from the frozen floor and put them together, and when you're done setting yourself up, you notice something is missing... It's your heart, that you can never put back together, because He's got most of the missing parts you need, and you're incomplete. And you fall back, and you wish He was there, making you complete, once and for all.
The memories remain. Reflecting what it could have been. It all seems so clear.
Finding what is real, the days are so long, reaching for something that's already so long gone.
It was worth it in the end? Or you've lost yourself for nothing? What's this all about? Why you're crying, knowing it's your mistake that you keep making again and again? Can you see beyond the scars? Change the colors of the sky? For all things that never died, making it through the night. What about now? What about today? What if it's lost behind, all the words you've never found?
Before is too late, start a new day, because the sun still breaks through your eyes, and love will find you. Make yourself what you're made to be. Now that you're here, you've come this far... Just hold on. There's nothing to fear, He's inside you forever, making you holding on and reach for a chance and for a shot at love. He's taught you what love is, and how to love and He showed you the world through your eyes, but from others.
Don't be afraid to dream again. Go for broke.

What I meant to say is that you've hold on while He's let go. You're strong enough to say that you're perfect little world is burning down, but that you can walk through it.
What I really meant to say is that you're not the only one that makes mistakes. You're not sorry for all the hurt you've been through, because you've loved, and you still love, but you've end up thinking it's time to let it all go, you're ready to throw the ashes in the sea; time to forget all the stupid things you've said and done, and find something new to go after. You can smile and you do it, you feel the warm wind blowing through your hair, making you feel so new and fresh. You finally laugh and enjoy life at it's highs.
And then again...

I keep questioning myself... With love is bad without love is worse...
How the Hell then...? I honestly don't get it. I think I never will. But, maybe this is how it goes, you know? Eye for an eye. It sounds true.