Once. Upon. A. Time.

nimic nou. 

nu ca s-ar putea intampla ceva nou in my life, but what so ever.

simt ca tre sa scriu, si sa ma descarc. in fine, things got complicated.

de la o simpla joaca de-a Tokio Hotel, s-a ajuns la o tampenie. 

tampenie e putin spus... is a total mess. nu stiu cum, sau de ce, inca mai sper la o posibilitate de a vedea lucrurile clare.

sunt zapacita, nu stiu ce sa cred sau in cine. mi-e aiurea, si mi-e rusine, ca na, nimic si nimeni nu e perfect, dar totusi, la un moment dat, te simti in plus undeva unde odata erai totul.

nu stiu cum altii pot sa doarma in pace, si sa se trezeasca a doua zi, cu mintea limpede, ca si cum nimic nu s-ar fi intamplat. 

mi se pare o prostie sa spun ca e vina mea, desi in mare parte este, pentru ca am crezut, si am inchis ochii.

ma simt ca o disperata. insa tot ce vroiam era sa imi vad un vis devenit realitate. 

nu m-am gandit atunci ca visele sunt doar vise, si ca nimeni si nimic nu poate face un vis sa devia realitate, pentru ca la ce visez eu e aproape imposibil.

da, APROAPE. pentru ca inca mai am speranta, si stiu ca poate intr-o zi, prin cine stie ce circumstanta, poate se va intampla.

dar acum, in momentul de fata, sunt no feelings for no-one. 

heartless, mai exact. dar nu-mi pasa, chiar nu am cum sa mai simt ceva, pentru ca am cazut din nori, si m-am lovit atat de tare cand am atins pamantul, incat am paralizat.

my heart is stone cold, da, nu regret, si nici n-am sa regret vreodata, insa e o rana care nu se va vindeca vreodata, pentru ca mi-am pierdut puterea de a mai crede in oameni.

i hate humanity. grav de tot. 

shit happens, dar asta a fost asa de mari proportii... inca nu imi vine sa cred. undeva in suflet, inca simt nevoia disperata de a mai crede ca a fost adevarat. si cand deschid ochii, e ceva de genu`: "hai mah... cum naiba... nu cred... nu e adevarat..." si doare al dracu de tare.

insa life goes on, cu sau fara.

se intampla atat de multe incat nu am cum sa scriu despre tot, pentru ca nu pot sa gandesc limpede. sunt atat de confuza, si mi se pare ca totul e impotriva mea.

nici nu stiu cum o sa-i zic lu` tata ca n-a fost adevarat, pentru ca nu am chef sa aud morala lui.

si dupa ar trebui sa-i spun... "sti, fata care s-a jucat de-a Tom, e actuala mea prietena..." RIGHT. i'll get screwed over, pentru ca tata nu o sa accepte faptul ca sunt cu o fata.

nu mi-e rusine... dar e foarte aiurea.

si acum sincer, nici eu nu stiu daca accept ideea asta... nu vad un viitor, o familie... 

nu stiu... nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc...

if i could just...run away...

Fumez Sentimente.

Fumez sentimente.
Visez cu ochii deschisi la sfarsitul lumii.. cand ne vom ineca cu fum ce miroase a scortisoara.
Voi plange destinul florilor moarrte, ma voi infasura in valul mortii cerului cand soarele va apune in Luceafarul diminetii de toamna; acum doar incerc sa ma ridic din letargia visarii ieftine ce e inca la reducere printre raioanele de creta colorata si stele prafuite.
Fumez sentimente.
Visez moartea viselor; cum se sting incet culorile in somnul negru al ratiunii.
Au lasat magazinul gol; acum numai am ce sa mai cumpar.
S-au terminat drogurile cu esenta de trandafir si semiluna salbatica de decembrie. E oribil sa vad cum mor reducerile in lumea salbatica de culori, putreda si lipsita de luminile stelelor.
Aprind fumul unor frunze parfumate...
Visez moartea viselor si a sentimentelor pentru tine.
Ochii tai ma lovesc acum ca un fulger violet...
Inca iti simt mirosul, de betisoare parfumate a portocale, pe care obisnuiai sa le aprinzi cand ma iubeai, in noptile tarzii.
Ce mai am eu... ?
Doar amintiri...
Amintiri care renasc in fiecare minut din viata mea, cand imi apare in minte chipul tau straveziu si perfect, cu surasul pe buze...
Fumez sentimente....

Scrisoare...

Pentru ceea ce as fi dorit sa fie, pentru ceea ce a fost demult, pentru ceea ce nu va fi poate niciodata; pentru ceea ce am suferit impreuna, pentru atunci cand clipele vor fi reci si grele, pentru cand zilele vor trece cenusii si intunecate si le voi egala cu zero.

Ti-am scris acum dupa atata amar de vreme, sperand intr-o posibila cale de comunicare, sperand va vei vrea sa-ti readuci aminte de mine, de noi, de tot ce-am fost unul pentru altul.
Crezi ca nepasarea ta nu doare ? Te cunosc prea bine si stiu ca nefericirea nu te atinge pe tine, si mai ales ca nefericirea mea nu te va atinge niciodata, copil norocos!... Dar crezi ca trebuie sa mor pentru ca frunzele tale nu vor sa ma alinte ? Pentru ca soarele tau nu vrea sa-mi lumineze chipul ? Pentru ca brazii tai sunt prea inalti pentru mine ? Pastreaza-ti fericirea pentru ziua cand muntii nu te vor mai primi, codrii te vor alunga, florile se vor inchide in calea ta. Voi astepta cu nerabdare ziua aceea pentru a-ti darui clipele mele de cristal.
De cand ne-am despartit ai sapat in mine o prapastie, o grota neagra si intunecoasa, in care ma zbat de atata timp si nu pot sa gasesc calea spre aer, spre lumina; ma afund mereu in intuneric; dar te zaresc pe tine, atunci cand credeam ca m-am vindecat, atunci am constatat ca prin tot ce fac esti tu. Pe tot ce-am facut, pe tot ce-am avut, pe toti i-am comparat cu tine. Erai tu, asa cum te dorisem, rau si incapatanat dar tandru si iubitor. De ce ? De ce s-a intamplat asa ? De ce ai plecat ? De ce ? De ce ? ...
Doamne, totul este numai un vis...

"Bine ai venit amagire,

Mai stai, mai dureaza un pic,

Aceasta mintita iubire,

Oricum, e mai mult ca nimic.

Despartirea e pentru mine bautura amara!

Sufletul meu nu vrea sa se desparta nicicand!

Dumnezeu stie ca te las sa pleci

Fara sa-mi rau ramas bun

Pentru ca mi-e teama ca inima ta

Sa nu se topeasca plangand..."

Eu mi-am ales singuratatea nu din orgoliu, ci dupa indelungata reflectare, din spirit de conservare. Viata mi-a relevat adevarul existentei, faptul ca omul se naste si moare singur, ca incercarea lui, intre cele doua puncte extreme ale traiectoriei sale, de a trai in doi este sortita esecului. Am supravietuit unui asemenea esec, dar nu am dreptul sa mai cred in dragoste, in prietenie...
Zilele trec egale, la fel. Le inregistrez cu detasare  trecerea, cu nepasare chiar, convinsa ca nu mai am nimic de asteptat de la ele. Ca nimic esential pentru mine nu are sa se mai intample.
Mi-am gasit un echilibru, o impacare cu noul fel de a-mi gandi viata si singura mea grija consider ca trebuie sa fie de acum incolo aceea de a-mi pastra acest echilibru, de a mi-l ocroti in fata unor posibile perturbatii venite din afara mea...
Uneori am impresia ca totul este inutil, absurd... Viata insasi... Mi se intampla aceasta, mai ales cand ma prabusesc sub greutatea multor "DE CE-uri" fara raspuns, cand incerc sa ma judec dincolo de prezent, sa-mi proiectez existenta vis-a-vis de ceea ce voi fi eu maine, de ce voi insemna eu maine pentru cei din jurul meu...
Imi lipseste intotdeauna curajul sa merg mai departe, sa ma gandesc la tine ca la o amintire... Cine are curajul sa se intrebe, nu mai poate fi fericit...
Am invatat sa renunt in viata, dar a renunta la tine imi pare ceva nedrept, prea mult!
Este ciudat cum de te mai doresc acum, dupa atata timp! Si cat m-am chinuit, si ce grele au fost clipele cand ne aflam fata in fata si ne jigneam amandoi, si cat ma respingeai, si cat te iubeam... si ce mult tineam la tine, si ce mult doaream sa ne impacam...

Mi-e dor de tine!...

Am fost numai pentru tine.

A Scar Is Just A Mark - 03.11.2010

Well, many says: "It's just a scar. It will heal."
But really? Behind every scar, it's a story. Most of them, are sad stories.
And I'm not talking about the Scars that you get on your body.
I am talking about those Scars that you get on your soul.
Those Scars that won't ever heal. Even if the wound is closed, and it may seem healed, it is not. The mark will remain, and every little thing will open it again.
And it will kneel you, it will make you scream.
It will make you feel like you want to be dead.
That mark of that Scar will torture you.
After a time, when it will open, will hurt. Twice. Triple.
Will be that deep that you'll cry blood from your eyes, you'll be wishing you could just erase your mind, your memory, you'll want all to be gone... You'll feel alone, you'll need to bury yourself in those thousand cigars, in those thousand glasses of alcohool...
You'll want a new start.
Does the Scars will go?
No.
They remain there, haunting you, making you cry, making you begging for death.
You can't face your pain... Not again... That pain that murders yourself, slowly...
"A broken heart is the only value you have left."
But you never give up.
Because, everyday you get hurt.. Everyday you get a new Scar.
This is how life is...
Hurts you...
And when you're hurt enough, how you think, it doesn't stops. Life pours salt on your wound, to hurt you even more...

04.11.2010

I really don't know anymore.
Why do people always hope for you, when they can't hope for themselves? Like they know your pain. And if you tell them, they say they understand. But they don't. Because you're the one that suffers. Not them. You feel that terrible pain that consumes you.
They just try to act like they care.
I don't know why they want to know. They really don't care. They just want to have something to talk about. They make fun of you, of you being hurt, while you cry, and cry until you just can't breathe no more.
It happens to me everytime. I'm sick of this. But what can I do?
I wish that the fake smile and the Happy Mask would still work. But not anymore.
I don't know why. It's hard to fake the smile of "I am so happy!" every moment.
I want to have rain all the time. So I can go outside, and cry, because no one will see me.
If I cry now, they will ask me. And I don't want to give them answers.
I don't want them in my life, even if I need them.
It hurts so much knowing that some people I love just laugh at my sorrow...
They just don't understand. They don't even try to. They just... fake that sad face, and give me that cold hug, that I rather not recieve...
I wonder why... What have I done to deserve this? I never hurt noone... I never laughed at people... I always put myself on last place, and them on the first... For what?
For nothing...
I just got back rejection, yellings, screams, hits and ignorance...
Where's the trust?
Where's the love?
Where are those friends that you can always count on, when you need them the most?
They are all gone... Because, they don't need you. Not when you need them...
I really don't know anymore....
All I know is that this hurts...

This is who I really am.

Look at me again. What you see? A crack of smile. A piece of heart. A shadow of sight. What I’ve done? I put myself on the death line. I tried to make good, and all I did was wrong. It all turned against me. The love I’ve give has returned to me double, but as hate. The tears I’ve cried, came back same way, as hits. What’s left of me? A hole. You can look at me, but you will see on the other side, you’ll see through me. I became nothing. I don’t know where I belong. I try to find a place, and all I get is rejection. Ignorance. Maybe I don’t realise what I’ve done. I want to leave. Far away. Leave all behind. Broke that crack of smile left. Smash that piece of heart and make the ghost disappear. Go on the other side. I just want to forget. I am nothing. For no one. Who really cares? Who ever saw between this mask I wear? Did they ever saw my really face? No… never. I wonder if they ever saw my cheeks.. full of scars.. left behind by the cold tears, which frozen in my eyes, because of the cruelty of you people, and made wounds on my face… my lips. They are dried. I tried so much to make you all listen. I talked. And I talked. But it was like you all were deaf. Or.. maybe I was mute. Maybe I just thought I can speak, but I never made a sound. Yes. I think this is it. I will never find a place for me. A place where I can be myself. I will always need to wear the mask. I am fooling everybody. But this is what I need to do. I will never know what is happines. I will never know what love is. I will never be… alive. I died long time ago. I died, when I was born. And you people. You making my life more than a hell. There is no one who can touch my skin and make me feel healing or loving. No one. You all just seek and get what you need from me then you throw me away. You all are the same. I am sorry. Maybe my life story has nothing happy in it. But I am not the only one in this. And I know how many people feel. And I just know that there will always be someone who will step on my heart, once and once again. I hate you people. I hate you all. All. One day, you will all feel my pain, I am sure. And I will laugh… you all mean nothing to me. Just some pieces of paper… dust. Not even that. You all don’t exist for me.

untitled.

don't search for me... dead or alive, it doesn't matter... I run away to save your life.. hurricane.. poisoning rain of tears... tragic death.. corpses... in my world where the whole world dies... the whole world bleeds.. clawing pain into the sky.. killing happines... with an evil smile which makes you curl up in pain begging for death... torture.. all done... smiling screams... kill them all... knives.. swords... bullets.. murdrer them... eat their souls.. we are the deads... soul eaters, happines killers.. eyes bleeding... cut it deep...burn.. let it all burn... pain is just the first step to the beginning of the torture... and with pain.. comes darkness.. slayers.. chasers.. hunters.. ghosts of the past.. hiting you with anger.. haunting you.. burning your pale skin, which the wind made it fade.. bleeding arms.. bleeding.. feeling lost inside a black hole.. where soul eaters devorate you step by step.. you run away.. from the light... no salvation.. you're punished... you're killed by your own happines... your own tears makes you drown.. in a sea of blood.. makes you swallow it, and spit it, and pouring your screams away.. red moon turned blue.. blood on your hands.. you killed your happines.. you let them eat you.. you never wanted the sun to shine.. now we take it away at all.. your only light is dying.. its only a small flame.. down the earth.. wet the earth with your bitter sweet tears.. crying after what you gave us.. you lost it.. it's you.. feed us.. bleed on us.. smile hurtful.. make us alive.. give us shape.. we kill you.. day by day.. we're the ones who craves for our soul.. spil your heart out.. cut it into pieces... we'll have that evil smirk.. that evil smile which will haunt your dreams.. your sight.. you'll lose your mind.. you'll go insane.. we'll have you.. look at the blood that covers the palms of your hands.. scream now.. loud.. as no one can hear you but us.. you're by yourself.. you are a murdrer.. you beg for mercy, beg for deliverance.. you only get stabs.. and you bleed... your mouth its red.. and your skin.. bruised.. we hit you.. we hurt you.. we love to see you in pain.. shout it whispering.. you lose your voice.. or people are deaf.. they don't hear you.. they don't see you.. you are alone.. you died.. you're a hollow soul.. give yourself to us.. mind.. body.. soul.. heart.. lost hope.. fears.. regrets.. memories.. fading away.. you.. missing pieces... rain falls.. you went.. in the shadow of the darkness.. where all the leaves falls. you're dead inside. we ate you alive.. we stole your happines.. we left you pain.. we left you sufference.. we left you .. nothing.. now cry little child.. dry tears.. we take them too.. nothing left for you.. you're empty.. as a hole... look behind.. painful memories.. a past of blood.. a riot of flames buring behind... you're one of us.. now you can only hear whispers of what it was.. silent whispers.. dead of alive.. ? undead.. let it crash.. let it fall... let if fly.. let it go... follow us.. take our hand… sins.. life... it's only a path to death.. you run all the time to the end of it.. you can't go nowhere else... and at the end.. it waith you the frozen grave.. shining in the pale moonlight which lights it..

With you.

Pretty little thing..
I am in love with the way you show me support. And how you make me smile, and show a smile that I always kept hidden inside. See? I'm in love with your heart. You always know what to say. And when I am feeling like all the world is on my shoulders, you come and hold it for me. You always make each moment perfect. You never let me know when you're hurt. But why I feel it? I'm in love with the way that you talk. You just smile and light up a fire inside.

You just keep quiet and make me miss you, and need you. And then.. you break the silence saying you love me. But you hurt me.. much than you will ever get to know. Why? Because.. I can have you only in my dreams. Even if you're with me. Your absence feeds my heart with longing. Your presence.. always missed..

I'm in love with way that you're beautiful. I'm in love with your way to make me feel loved. Who are you? What are you? I am in love with your touch, even if I don't feel it… I'm in love with the way you say I love you. You say it when it's needed.

I cry. Because you.. and me.. are far away. Who doesn't? Everynight, and every day, I can't think of anything but you. You raptured my mind. Floating… yes, I am. But. You. Just make me. And I know.. that day when we will go out, on streets, holding hands, with the wind in our hair, playing with it, and the sun rays will gently make us shine together… will be two stars, shining on daylight…

A love without end… a love who grows strong… a love which make us lose control of hearts… I'm in love with they way you're just not right. And I'm in love with the way you admit you was wrong. And I am in love with the way that you tell your friends you love me. And I am in love with the way that you trust me.

And I want you to know that I don't care what people think. I am in love with you. I swear, I'm in love with the way you're so nice. I'm in love with the things that you do. I am in love with the way that we come so far in this relationship.. it's so nice.

I will respect what you do, forever. I will love you through everything. I will gave you all you need. Ask me time, you'll have all you need. Ask me space, I will make sure you will have it. I promised forever, and it's a promise I intend to keep.

Who says that relationships does not last years? I am in love with the way we make love. I am in love with every breathe you take. I live because you live. I am alive because you brought life back into me. I am at your feets. Everything I do, I do it for you.

Sometimes we rush it and sometimes we fall. The way we go on, it's something that no one can do. You try to hide, I know you do. But I just can't hide my love for you. The world just dissapears when you around me.

We'll stay in this together. And if one of us will ever fall… the other will fall too.

There were days when...

There were days when ...
Everything was going well.
I am trying to hide what it's called depression,
And fake a smile just for the good impression.
I am what you see and you know I am,
And I can not be different.
I ask for your patience, saying that it hurts.

There were days when everything was going well.
Honestly I didn't wanted them to end...
Now even if it's hard for me,
I'll always have you in my mind.

My tears are hiding.
Thousands words unspoken,
Time turned in cold seconds..
You're still present..

Unrealistic hopes and dreams were consumed,
In false ideals they turned,
You became absent..

I've believed in you
You did just what you wanted.
And maybe you loved me, but to show me you did not know how.
You've hurt me so many times, like I didn't even existed..
Maybe I didn't cared if I didn't loved you.

You've hurt me because you was the first who turned the back on me
Instead of being with me, being the one to remove my tears.
You've ran away when it was hard,
Though you was the one who said
"No matter what others say",
This time it mattered..

But whatever you are..
Looks like you forgot
All the beautiful moments
We have made..

I was once in your game.
But I have been left in confusion..

Think yourself what you want out of life,
Think yourself if you can face it,
As you're away from me now...

Toys.

When the night comes on the window,
The childrens must sleep.
Let's say bed time toy stories..
In their candy stripe box,
Dwarves stand immovable.
A fairy gives her hand to the
Prince and everyone is happy...

And from Heaven I'Il crown the
Mysterious moon.
Where stars gather
No number above the sky.

The flame in her room
Seems beautiful as a dream.

And it enters the room
Even the window is not open...

And in the morning comes alive
A heroes story.
We sit in silence and wait.
Play, and with
Each toy,
Her entire universe
It has soul and is alive.

Only the mature ones doesn't understand.

... fucked mind.

abstract. weird. missunderstood. wanderer. gloomy. mortal. and even. souls. anger. invincible. calm. earth. trips. snow. cold. murdrers. meanings. weird things. vampires. tears. missed calls. wind. movies. nervosity. windchime. circles. fangs. light. beasts. grass. weed. murdres. detectives. fruits. words. no interest. sun. impossibility. solitude room. voices. songs. blood. unconscience. big. rainbow. dancings. love. gas. guilty. friends. marks. arts. mirrors. poses. matching. demons. mosquitos. nothingnesses. disguises. candles. fury. fakeness. visions. bugs. sadness. credibility. theft. bedroom. school. purposes. agents. opinions. colours. pencils. nails. apathy. spies. fears. problems. death. fights. family. faces. storms. eternity. assumptions. happiness. ambitions. cartoons. figures. judge. gods. immobilization. clothes. fertility. marriage. tattoos. rain. mistakes. waves. questions. guns. betrayls. water. thoughts. snakes. vows. emotions. games. avalanches. darkness. perpertrators. accused. experiences. hate. envy. phones. lie. defendants. unimportance. ignorance. facts. doctors. culture. isolation. hearts. verbs. holes. anciens. faith. roads. mountains. hurricanes. surgeries. talks. oceans. things. continents. wishes. needs. assitance. strenght. viruses. giving ups. vices. pleasure. disintegration. drugs.

01.02.2011

It happens.. always.. they use you.. then they.. they throw you away.. like you’re a broken toy..
In fact.. why would they care.. ?
All they do is lie.. cuz.. lies lives in them…
They spit on you.. they put you in dirt…
It’s normal…
They have th world at their legs…
You’re nothing but a fly in their eyes…
They are mean…
Reasons… ? Never…
Hatred.
Pain.
Tears.
All lies.
As days goes by I start to realize that.. I don’t have what to do here... I am here waiting for nothing.. Hoping for nothing.. Crying for nothing.. Hurting for nothing.. Nobody cares… Nobody knows…
I trust in my self-righteous suicide.. I cry…
Fables..
I’m such a fool..
It’s all my fault…
I shold have never…

It doesn’t matter anymore…

WAR. In two [ wrote on 8.02.2011 ]

You are my good thought
When I hide in smoke.
And maybe I'll have with you one final way...
And I say that if everything crashes,
If I'm with you, I'll have it all.
When they all forget about me,
I fly, you understand me, squeeze me, and I warm up.
You make me believe that is so hard to lose.
You're the one who always answers.
When asking for backup, the non-hidden.
The one who makes be sun when it rains.
The one who takes me into a new era.
You're the bandage with which I heal my wounds..
When I bleed, fell on the ground, half dead,
You make me get up and shake the dust.
I clench my teeth and I'm ready for a new fight.
You are my companion when I hang on by a thread..
In this battle called life.
You're the voice I hear when everything is quiet around.
When everything else has gone,
When the lines were drawn,
And they gave other verdicts..
Other sentences..
Other wishes.
You bring me to normal when I turn upside down.
And I might not show it, but it would be so hard
Without you. Would be just a simple me...
You are my smile in a dark night.
When after a dawn.. light is all gone.

Dust on the road.

When I shake myself, I say...
There's noone to collect me.
In any war is easier in two.

Don't say now that the feelings are dead.

And now.. the armor fell.. the naked eyes shed rain...
Feelings are stained with mud and then pour...
Memories turned into undead...
My mouth will howl.. My hands will shake.
That's my war with the world.

And you'll be just one, always.

And when the sun and the moon will fall from the sky,
You'll still be the one.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not you.
Maybe or maybe not... do I fool myself?


Even if there are storms, snow, sun and rain
In any war is easier in two...

we're about to get...BLOWN.

da. nu stiu. adica stiu, dar in fine. m-am plictisit. era o melodie de-a lu` Jason Derulooooooooo.... oh! :| OKAY.

si Tumblr is dead.

am facut o obsesie sa scriu pe blog din nou. de parca citeste cineva...lol. ma rog, blah blah blah.

mi-e somn. tre` sa ma bag in pat sa dorm, stiu, dar parca nu m-as ridica de aici, de pe scaun, si nu stiu de ce.

ascult Last Night, Good Charlotte. ciudata melodie. O.o

chiar mi-e somn. sincer. mai fumez o tigare si ma bag la nani mufulos XD
m-am trezit la 2 jumate azi-noapte si n-am dormit de atunci de loc. mi se inchid ochii.
o sa adorm pe tastatura in juma` de ora, am mai patit-o lol.

bai, mi se intampla ceva :| grav. adica iar obsedez dupa Bill.
GEEZAZ, like WTF.
pe Tom nu-l mai sufar, ma jur. :| adica nu ca nu-l sufar, ca nu mi-a facut nimic saracu`, dar mi-e mie asa, aiurea, dupa toata faza aia.
si deci da, Bill.
:|
:|
:|
nu, ca m-am tampit, e lucru sigur.

PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT.
pentru ca nu vreau sa patesc ca acum ceva timp cand nu-mi pasa de altceva, in afara de Bill.
OMG, nu cred, am inceput deja.
Doamne ajuta...

Da si deci... Amintirile ma chinuiesc.

obisnuiesc sa ascult melodile ce ma faceau sa ma gandesc la...el. la acel "el" care de fapt nu este un el. acel el, de care am crezut ca e tot. 
se pare ca n-a fost sa fie dar in fine. 
cine stie... 
am acest feeling, si ma simt aiurea, cand ma gandesc la TOT. si stand eu si gandindu-ma asa, realizez ca totul a fost o minciuna. da` si ce minciuna. 
of viata mea, of inima mea, cum ar zice unii.


de exemplu, acum ascult Love the way you lie part II, pe care bineinteles o ascultam cand am aflat de chestia cu Emily. 


...si daca stau sa ma uit in folderul cu muzica, toate relateaza un anume moment. toate imi amintesc de...ce a fost, de ceea ce nu va fi niciodata.
doare. doare ca dracu`, dar ce pot face. sunt o dobitoaca, stiu. 
my own fault, dar...dar. nici nu am cuvinte, nici nu stiu ce sa spun, cum sa descriu tot ce simt. toate se repeta in mintea mea. chiar si cand inchid ochii, imi imaginez ce imi  imaginam ca va fi. 
sunt o proasta, si stiu ca multi mi-ai zis sa am grija, ca nu e adevarat si sa aterizez singura inapoi pe pamant, ca pana la urma avionu` meu o sa ramana fara combustibil si o sa ma prabusesc.
si uite ca m-am prabusit...si in ce still. n-am avut nici parasuta, ce cacat. 


...."Don't hold your breath..." , ca sa vezi ce zic... doamne, si iar am inceput sa plang, si iar stau si ma gandesc cat de proasta am fost, si ce-am facut... nu pot sa cred. atat de incredibila sunt. 
si acum stau si-mi plang de mila pe blog, pentru ca na, asa sunt eu... laaaame.
in fine. 
ce s-a intamplat m-a marcat pe viata, mi-a lasat niste urme mari, si nu cred ca se pot vindeca vreodata...


de ce sunt cu "el" acum...? pentru ca nu stiu, sincer. 
si nu, nu e vorba de chestia ca m-am obisnuit.
e chestia ca am pus sentimente la bataie si ca eu chiar tin la tipa asta, chiar daca am crezut ca e altcineva. si as fi vrut sa fie altcineva, pentru ca na... prostia omeneasca, ce sa-i faci.


..."What do you want from me...?" , exact cum ma gandeam... acum imi trec prin minte momentele cand ma certam cu "el" si ascultam melodia asta si ma facea sa ma intorc la "el" mereu... 
ce patetica sunt. ce retardata pot fi, nu cred.


mi-am pierdut interesul in orice. nu-mi mai pasa de nimic, nu mai cred in viitor, fericirea e dusa pe apa sambetei. 
parca as fi murit.
parca m-as fi teleportat in alta lume. stai, de fapt, m-am intors la realitate. wow, it sucks. i need a bullet straight through my brain, right now.


poate schimba tot.


poate daca as adormi, si nu m-am mai trezi, as putea sa traiesc acolo unde mi-am dorit mereu... in bratele lui, ascultand sunete de chitara, vazandu-i zambetul ala de cretin, pe care il iubesc... desi este asa departe... si nici nu are idee ca exist... doar daca nu m-as mai trezi...


3rei Sud Est - Vreau Sa Te Uit.


bun. deci, da, o sa inebunesc cat de curand. 
nu mai pot, si imi vine sa plang non-stop.
de ce eu. de ce. 
ce fraiera sunt...


"incerc din rasputeri ca sa te uit.. incerc..sa nu sufar,sa nu plang... timpul...este acum dusmanul meu.. orele trec din ce in ce mai greu. am sa plec...departe de tine, sa te uit...asa este mai bine… inima imi spune sa raman cu tine, cine ma-ntelege,oare cine? asculta-mi sufletul cum plange ca un sunet de chitara.. inima imi frange… am sa plang.. departe de tine… sa sufar.. asa este mai bine. simt prezenta ta, imi faci viata grea… ajuta-ma Doamne...sa pot uita… vreau sa te uit… sa te scot din mintea mea, din viata mea…."


pot sa mor acum... te rog...?

treygotthatfieuh asked:
If you're comfortable with being with her even though she lied to you and you feel confidant that she is telling the truth now, then that is great for you. Now that you know who she really is, that is a better basis for a relationship than hiding behind a celebrity persona. If she really makes you happy, that's all that matters...but be smart about it.

treygotthatfieuh asked:

One of the main things to remember when it comes to the internet...is that you have to be really careful, especially with people who claim to be celebrities. I'm not saying its your fault for believing it...because there are some fans who can be extremely convincing when it comes to pretending to be someone...but its highly unlikely that Bill or Tom would start a relationship with someone they met online without trying to meet them or get to know them first. It was wrong of someone to mess with your head like that...but it does get better. You can take what you learned from the experience and be more careful now. Its not fair, I know, but at least they came clean to you before things could have gotten nasty.

Perfect Killer. [ wrote on 04 February, 2011]

time.. time is the perfect killer. it kills all.. it kills all the feelings that shaken us... it kills hate, it kills love.. it kills all. nothing remains...
like the universe doesn't want us anymore... it erases my memory.. it erases my senses.. it deletes my line.. it changes my face.. it steals the meaning of life.. it dispels the stress.. it takes all of us..
and behind doesn't exist nor gates nor keys.. and you act like you'll always be here.. you sit when you should stand.. you shut when you should scream..
and you attack.. you attack people that loves you thinking that they make you slow down.. it's a crazy game where you pretend that everything's ok, just like the rest.. and just like them, you destroy everything that's united us.. and fail.. and i'm sorry.. but that's not my only regret... cause time is the perfect killer.. it kills us with each breath we take.. it makes us forget who we once were.. it makes the others forget that we was.. it's the last witness, it knows my life by heart..  but in the end the world will want to forget us and itself.. and the peace will come to stay..
time follows my steps.. time imitates the way i walk..
tell me.. why do we lose? why do we sell ourselves? why we fight in tandem with something invisible?
i feel something burning under my skin.. maybe part of it was useless in life..
but there is always someone better.. one that has more.. one that I listen while i pass along.. too fast, almost like the wind.. cause over time, man created the word.
since then, every attempt is doomed to failure too.. and i see a lifetime payed, a feather worn, tired..  thoughts written on a paper by the one whom hesitates.. a bribe.. instead of a soul, a stain.. a tumor that extends.. a man caught in the threads of a poor vineyard.. a huge universe between two hemispheres of the brain.. a brain that plays at night and hears the whispers.
i feel a death wandering around..
in some moments, time takes me in places.. with names in my mind that i can't pronounce..
and i assume only the role, only smoke, the basement of a very normal life.. just buried dreams of glory.. just scared followings on a lost road.. without a shield in fatal fights...
now.. on to your thoughts.. i see that time separated you from your infected world.. from the outside world.. from what you was and what you are and what you'll be..
lonely.. abandoned.. without moving.. and above the sun is gone.. don't you think that now the world's only in deadly thoughts...?
LIKE THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE...

blah blah.

yeah yeah. :| random shits at almost 3am. right. that's me.
this song is addictive. this. right here.THIS! THIS. Lol. well yeah.
IM-ing with Liz.
[talking about this... :| hell how things turned out, and how nothing changed. i did not expected this from me, i swear. i was supposed to make a drama, and yell and try kill myself but :| ..... i did not? O_O oh wow. well, i think i've changed. and i changed alot.]
now brb. i need to play farmville. i mean...gagaville. LOL

All of my memories...

“Silent whispers, silent tears…”

…and it hurts. and i cry. but i know i lost nothing.  i built a world of nothing, based on nothing. and no what’s left behind is a new beginning… but how. how when all of my memories are how they are. so lost. so confused. i don’t know who i am. what i want.

i’m scared… i don’t know if i have strenghts to move on… to forget. i grew sronger, but it all broke. it’s like a bad joke. a bad scenario. and i. i feel like a puppet. this was a game i did not won. i had 3 lifes, but they’ve been lost along the way… and why? because, again, i was feeding myself lies.

so many plans… now just so many tears cry over them, so much pain… i’ll have to hide, i’ll have to pretend everything’s ok. i have to… be myself? yeah. right.

like fuck no. first of all, i’ve been played.

i never expected that. and it hit me like a sky jet. because i’m a fucking dumbass… but oh well, if i wasn’t a dumbass, i wouldn’t be me.

so yeah. i am blogging again. stupid fuck. *sigh*

“Made me promise I’d try

To find my way back in this life…”

so hard. so hard when i think about… i don’t really know.

i just wonder why.

“All the memories I hold dear…

Darling you know I love you till the end of time.”

because… it’s what i do. i can not forget what we’ve been through. what you made me feel, and you made me feel alive. when i said forever, i meant it. it’s the only thing i hold on to, and even if it takes one life stand, i won’t stop fighting to keep it, and make it happen.

you gave me a reason to want to wake up, you still do. all i know is i love you. i always did. never knowing who you are, i just fell in love with you.

…. BUT YOU HURT ME. -Never forget that…