Confessions.

but what can you say about me being with someone, but actually love somebody else and you want nobody but him, both knowing, never talk about it, and after you decide to talk, texting about it, meet next day, and act like nothing happened.

i've lost it. completely.

just stressed and confused in other words. and sad and angry.

i'll snap, i don't want it, it'll turn into ugly sentimental shit. par example: Love to see you cry ~ E. Iglesias .

i hate love. and i hate that damn boy. i think we all hate love at some point or another. 

what exactly happened? ._. something kinda...  Thinking of you. 
i liked a boy for a long time and i thought i was over him and i kinda found someone and last night when i was out i met with the boy i liked at the beginning and ._. i've fail. i am angry at myself because i cannot forget that one dude.

it's hgkgjdhfhshgglk. confusing. painful. stupid. silly.

any idea what i'm going to do?

 i don't. i can't think at anything because every time is him. always coming back to him. just a single stare, gaze. everything revolves. he's brainwashed me i think.

it's not good. it's been years now. it was better to be just a crush. but what the fuck crush is this that i always depend on him? 

and i don't know. i just don't. we never hang out too much. 2 or 3 times a month. but it was a time when i was going out just with him and our common friends and yes, i told him last night. we've talk through texts. and at one all became obvious and i told him and all turned awkward today like we were throwing glares but none of us wanted to talk about it and we just laughed and ignore it. but i was dying beside him to tell him but i didn't. i'm a loser. 

do you know how awkward i feel??? do you know who my mind works?? you ever saw nano-bots??? how fast they are???  just like that.

"You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside. My heart is in pain, but I'm smiling for you. Please don't ask me why, just kiss me this time.. My only dream is about you and I."

this is exactly what i feel, and what i want..
partially... but. i blackout and words won't come out face to face, it's weird and strange because i want it  but the same time i have it, i don't want it, and it's all a come and go and because it's not actually a childish game anymore, we're both big enough and this is kinds scary ._. this is a drama show. 
make a change. i won't. i barely told him i like him more than friends.
i hate it. i hate not knowing what to do. i never lose control over things or feelings but now i did.
i'm confused, scared, i don't what the fuck is happening to me. what the fuck just hit me and why.