so far, so gone...

I wish I could stop the time, hold it still in my hands and sort it out...

"I don't have the time, and I don't have the patience..."

I need to find a place. I’m going to find a place. a place to write it all, and be real, and honest, and I’m not going to be afraid of my own words in others minds anymore. I need to find myself… or, create myself? something about doing and being more than here. to do that I have to buckle down a little and deal with the need. 

"But everybody knows that a broken heart is blind."

I have a bad feeling. I have a feeling of not being good enough. I feel like that’s normal seeing as from here on out the future is unknown and I’ll be thrown right in the middle of it. I just hate not feeling good enough. I don’t feel good enough for anyone.

I wish I could be the type of person I want to be. you know, pretty, have money, have car, be successful. I don’t know. I just don’t like who I am right now.

I'm about to fucking lose it.

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.”

this is the hardest thing for me. all I want is to be with you. being able to call you 'mine' made all of this worth while. but the most important thing to me is seeing you happy. your happiness comes before mine. if that means I have to be broken hearted, so be it. I just want you to be happy. if you ever want me, I’ll be waiting. I love you more than anything. please just know and remember that.

“What we always fear and loathe becomes of us,
Repay the visit of our loss, reset the marks again.
The turning point seems to be holding on.

Sands of ages and the stars above -
everchanging as the same hearts beat, repeating ‘til the end.
Seas of slander and the soil we walk -
everchanging as the same hearts beat.

It ends up all the same.
The sail that never knew the wind, barren and lost,
our wrecks these shores will never reach, a trek on darker trails.
Let days be done (let days be done),
it takes forever.”

...in the end, everybody's like YOLO and I'm here like... damn.

I think... I'm going insane.

Oh, I'm not addicted to drugs. I'm addicted to being hurt. It may seem berserk, but none of these stress relievers work. Poppin pill after pill, trying to get my head straight, trying to over power the pain until the next day. But it ain't happening. I'm an addict that's half asleep, while the other half of me is trapped in a series of bad dreams. My current postion was trippin' on trees of acid casts, until my eyes collapsed and suicide was an aftermath. 
I guess I'm insane indeed, 'cause no matter what the fuck I do you never seem happy. Adapting to stronger drugs, larger quantites, killing myself constantly, my eyes start to bleed. The feeling of being alive just isn't enough, serenches I stuff with heroine, I'm feeling the rush inside of my veins.
Maybe because you made me that way, turn me into a monster I would have never became. Creating thoughts of dying eventually severed my brain, irritated my vains, intoxicated my system. It went on for days, I had cravings of wisdom. I wanted your fuckin' opinion so I'm making you listen. Listen to all of the pain I've been feeling recently, killed myself and only now do you realize that you miss me.
I'm falling down erasing memories you gave to me, I'm still alive and nothing you can say can make me breathe. So please take away the pain that hurts me, I don't wanna be alone and thirsty. So many drugs to push the pain I have entrapped in me, 'cause I don't wanna live my life inside this fantasy. So please take away the pain that fills me, I don't wanna be the one that kills me.
I can't take this pain 'cause I'm dying, I can't close my eyes 'cause I'm crying. 'Cause these pills have taken' over my brain, side effects causes pain, I think I'm going insane.

2012.

Like WOW, a mai trecut un an. Cum si cand, nici nu realizez. Sincer acum, timpu` a trecut foarte repede, si nu pot sa spun ca am profitat de el.
Tot timpul a fost about him. M-am concentrat numai pe el. N-am facut nimic pentru mine. Insa nu e paguba. Stiu k asta nu se va schimba ever, si k el o sa fie mereu number one in my life, si k intotdeauna am sa las totul la o parte pentru el.
Asa, bun, am terminat cu asta.
Decembrie a fost o luna de nebunie. Multe party`uri, mult frig si mult... ceva.
Am fost prin Campina cu Bro, am dansat, am ras, ne-am facut new friends. A fost suuuuper, si chiar ma bucur k am facut si eu o chestie noua. [pe care am sa continui sa o fac]
Regrete pe 2011? Nu. N`am eu regrete, chiar deloc. I live it to the fullest, and I don't really give a fuck.
It's my life and it's now or never, deci n`am timp sa ma plang pentru k am facut greseli.
Da, am facut multe, dar nu`mi pare rau. Si nici n`o sa imi para. Pentru k timpul trece mult prea repede k sa am pareri de rau.
+ de asta, we only live once.

Da, cik sa sciu pe blog... N-am nici inspiratie. 
In fine. 
Bye.

I say.

Selfish motherfucking fuckers you people are. Well, some of you... 
It's obvious, and I'm already sick of your bullshit, and of your fucking wicked ways of fucking things up for me. 
Thank you, fuck you. You can just burn in the deepest hole of Hell for all I care.
"I am your friend, you know you can tell me everything. I'll be there if you ever need someone to talk to." Really bitch, really? When?! Fuck you, and your fucking lies and your fucking self and everything about you.
I hate you people, oh my God, I really do. I wish I could send you all to an island or something, then set fire and watch you burn. 
I knew humans are filthy and retarded, therefore I call myself an animal. I'm not human like you all. I don't think with my ass, and I don't go around selling lies and I don't say shit just for the sake of it.
How the fuck and when have you become like this?! 
Fucking fuck. And when I think I almost believed that there's something good in humanity, I've been proven there's not. All that exists is hate, rage, fury, anger and selfishness.
Die already? Thanks, much appreciated. 
Call me a bitch, call me whatever the fuck floats your boats, I don't really give a flying shit, even though I could enjoy the view of a shit on you. 
I wish I could puke acid on your faces. Maybe like that, the mask will fall and you'll look in the mirror and see the real you I already see.
Before you point the fucking finger or open your mouth, take a fucking look at yourself.
Heartless, yes I am. Fucked in the head, I am also this. But so what?
At least I'm honest. I don't lie, I don't fake and I'm not predending being something I am not. 
Grow some balls already and do something with your goddamned life, but wait. You can't and you will never be able to, because there's nothing left of you anymore.
Cunts.

I should... or I should not.

Okay, so this is... weird enough for you guys? I mean... Everyone's being depressed. Like, it's a trend now to fake depression. I wonder, and my little brain does too, HOW AND WHY THE FUCK?! Does anyone of there wannabe depressed knows what's like? Does they know how the fuck it is to want to die, and because it's not possible, in most of the cases, self-harm until end up in coma? 
No. You're all so fucking retarded twats. Like those girls, who're not bulimic, but they think they're fat, and they're bone-skinny. I'll tell you something. I'm anorexic and it fucking sucks. It's not something nice or pretty. I can't gain weight and it's a torture. Not being able to eat means loads of stuff. Means you're skin is dry, your hair is falling, your mood is fucking low. Lack of vitamins is not good, but what you know. Nothing, you don't know shit about this. You starve yourself, just for the love of doing it and trying to be something that you're not. 
For crying out loud, STOP IT.
And stop saying you're bipolar, and that you suffer of maniac depression or schizophrenia. You know only what you've read on Internet about that. You don't know how it feels, and you don't know how the people having it suffer and hurt.
Stop being so immature, and just be who you are.
IT IS WRONG.


/rant over.