tornadoes in my limbs.

I think I would hate to live a life where I could not be able to wallow in a heartbreak, where I couldn’t be seventeen, eighteen, nineteen still not being able to get on a bicycle without tilting over, scraped knees painted red. I’ve always been the person who experiences extreme highs and lows, distinct blacks and whites (but still often find comfort in that area shaded gray). I am never sad, I am always depressed and I am never mad, I am furious. I feel words and opinions like sharp edges on my skin, the electric bite of a vibrating voice box, always taking every single thing to heart a million times more than anyone ever really intends to. And I don’t cry very often but when I do, it is like tornadoes in my limbs, where I can’t breathe, where I can’t even make a sound outside of of a sob. These are the things that make me want to be different and how quickly I am to realize that I am one of the lucky ones. That I am not numb. That these emotions are not just sparks at the ends of my fingers. No, that there is a fire within me. That I feel, in it’s entirety, what some can only get a taste of. I can swallow it whole. I don’t only see blue skies, I see skies that are azure, cerulean, burnt orange, gun-metal gray and I feel proud of the hurt sometimes because that is part of life. These tears mean something more than red eyes and wet lashes, if nothing else I will know that I exist. I exist.

Blindsided.

I wake from a deep sleep with bits of last nights turmoil still sprinkled across my eyelashes. 
The sun is creeping through the blinds and I catch glimpses of the blue sky here and there, but it’s hazy behind the heavy clouds. 
I feel your voice echo through me, but I can taste the distance on my tongue. My body stretches, my back arching, releasing the tiny disturbances before I inch my hand towards the empty spaces where your hand would be. 
Not even the crave for warm coffee will drag me out of bed. Instead, I lay still and wonder if maybe you too are thinking of me. There is a slight ache that rings throughout my limbs when I think: I haven’t crossed your mind.
 None of us saw the end coming, and I think I will skip the coffee this morning. I will dig my face into the pillows and drown myself underneath the covers. Happy thoughts swell and they only make me happy for a moment, because soon the realization that they will no longer exist outside of memories sets in. 
This morning, I will lay in bed and search for the fleeting image of you.

It’s too late to be thinking this hard.

There are too many things my head is trying to run through, the way we go through file cabinets, I’m going through all of the things I want to remember. 
“You hold onto things too tightly,” you said to me. 
And I do, I want to dig my nails into the spine of everyone. 
It’s too much sometimes, like I’m carrying weights inside my chest where piles of somethings, anythings, and everything's rest. I’m even tucking away all of the nothings and things I wish I’d forget, hoarding memories until they rot between my bones. 
I use words to lay everything out neatly, to revisit and let my lungs expand a little wider but now I can’t find the right words to use, or maybe I am out of them. They are lost underneath everything I no longer want to remember: the way his hands felt on me, two heartbeats (mine and one I did not recognize) loud in my ears. And your face, the way it flickers like a candle’s flame on the back of my neck and how it never dies out.

Test personalitate MBTI [Jung]

ESTP - Extravertit, senzorial, reflexiv, perceptiv - (initiator, diplomat, negociator)

• Atitudinea extrovertita se refera la faptul ca ESTP este deseori motivat de interactiunea cu oamenii. De obicei are un cerc larg de cunostinte si se simt incarcati de energie in cadrul intalnirilor sociale - situatii in care introvertitii pierd energie.
• Senzorial si nu intuitiv: tipul ESTP are o gandire mai mult concreta decat abstracta. Isi concentreaza atentia pe detalii decat pe imaginea de ansamblu, pe realitatea imediata decat pe viitoare posibilitati.
• Reflexiv fata de afectiv: pentru ESTP argumentele obiective sunt mai valoroase decat preferintele personale. Atunci cand ia o decizie de obicei acorda mai multa atentie logicii decat consideratiilor sociale.
• Perceptiv in loc de judecativ: de obicei ESTP se abtine sa emita o opinie si amana deciziile importante, preferand sa aiba la indemana mai multe optiuni, in cazul in care se schimba imprejurarile.

Aproximativ 13% din populatie este tipul ESTP. Acestia sunt foarte buni initiatori si antreprenori, sunt persoane sofisticate, orientate spre actiune. Ca parteneri sunt incantatori si incitanti. Aptitudinea de a actiona cu rapiditate si eficienta ii face pe ESTP sa fie buni in situatii de urgenta, in a-si aplica gandirea logica in situatii care necesita actiunea imediata. Obiectivele pe termen lung nu sunt atractive, acestia cautand rezultatele palpabile, rapide. Mediul inconjurator reprezinta o sursa de aventuri si ESTP isi testeaza deseori abilitatile fizice in situatii riscante. Energice si amuzante, aceste persoane sunt deseori sufletul petrecerii.

Impinse de entuziasm, persoanele de tip ESTP deseori nu isi dau seama de consecintele pe termen lung ale actiunilor lor. Din acest motiv se cearta cu prietenii, colegii sau sefii. Mintea agera si aptitudinea de a improviza nu compenseaza intotdeauna dezavantajele planurilor pe termen scurt. Daca nu sunt impresionati, ceilalti le pot considera pe aceste persoane insensibile. Cei pe care tipologiile ESTP isi varsa furia sunt cu adevarat nenorociti. Daca nu pot sa actioneze liber si impulsiv, aceste tipuri de personalitate incalca regulile stabilite de altii, in incercarea de a-si recastiga entuziasmul.

Daca este in continuare ingradit, tipul ESTP devine tot mai stresat si se simte mort pentru lume. Primul impuls este sa se razbune batandu-si joc de valorile celorlalti. Astfel devin tot mai antisociali si sfidatori. La fel ca toti senzorialii perceptivi, in conditii de stres, aceste persoane se razbuna desfacand barierele libertatii prin castigarea increderii si cooperarea cu ceilalti.

Urmatoarea lista reprezinta exemple de cariere si tipuri de locuri de munca pe care acest tip de personalitate de obicei le imbratiseaza. Cerintele acestor joburi sunt similare tendintelor acestui tip de personalitate. Nu uita ca aceasta lista nu cuprinde toate carierele posibile care se potrivesc acestui tip si, foarte important, se intampla frecvent ca oamenii sa indeplineasca functii care nu se potrivesc cu tipul lor de personalitate si totusi sa aiba succes in cariera.

•  Agent imobiliar; bucatar sef; dezvoltator imobiliar; pompier; initiator; reporter de stiri; agent de bursa; pilot; agent de asigurari; consultant in management; inginer electrician; mecanic de avioane; medic de urgente; insotitor de zbor.

so the dust settles.

The year is coming into a close and for now, it looks like the dust has settled. 
I’m sorting through salt and letters, trying to wipe away the grime that has collected in the floorboards. Clearing the surfaces and looking under all the cracks to make sure we can see the sheepskin skies in them. 
I have been leaving my hands open so I can catch the loose particles before they fall. We are rebuilding the bridges we burned and I am burning bridges with all the shadows casting sighs and shaking whispers. 
I’m tried of looking for a new position when I sleep, and like the dust, I’m going to try and settle into sheets the only way I know how—with a crooked spine. 
I am humming songs of optimism and slipping sunrises beneath my shoes. 
This morning I woke up feeling like my dream was next to me, on my pillow. Cheeks wet and the taste of burnt coffee on my tongue. It was so good to have you breathe in that light again. 
I’m happy for this new beginning, even if it is all made up of the pieces we thought we lost and only misplaced. But you know some things can’t just be wiped away and I hope you’re here to stay. 
(I do, I really do).